College Lessons: Alone

            There are a lot of things that you learn during your college years. Other than the lessons that you learn in the classroom to obtain a GPA, there are several key lessons that help you throughout your life.

            One of the most important things I learned was how to be by myself. I know this sounds really simple, but it’s one of the most difficult lessons to learn. It’s easy to be happy when you’re surrounded by your friends or you’re with your significant other. Sometimes the most difficult thing is to be happy when you’re all alone.

            I've never been the kind of girl who always had to have a boyfriend. That’s just not my personality. The one thing I've always relied on, however, are my friends. This reliance is tested during your college years. You learn who your true pre-college friends are because they will always be there for you even if you’re separated by hundreds of miles.

            Those friends that you meet in college are easy to bond with and hang out with while you’re right down the hall or the street from each other. However, once winter or summer break hits, the two of you can be states apart.

            If, like me, you don’t really have any friends in your hometown after a year of college, you've hit a dead end. You can’t very well take road trips every week to be with your friends, and sometimes phone calls just can’t cut it. Thankfully, I've learned how to not go completely crazy while I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere at least three hours away from my best friends.

            If you get cabin fever by being all by yourself, find a new television show to watch. Nothing distracts you better than getting sucked into someone else’s dramatic life. Currently, I’m obsessed with Gossip Girl and it’s getting me through this winter break.

            Start a new hobby. Write, paint, craft…whatever floats your boat. Do something that you’re passionate about. After all, you have no schoolwork to worry about and you have all the free time in the world.

            Also, you can do what I do…I work as many hours as I possibly can. Not only does this mean that I’ll have more money to go to movies or buy amazing $5 DVDs at Wal-Mart, but it also means that I don’t just sit at home every single day with nothing to do.

            Don’t just dig yourself a hole for the next few weeks until you get back to your college campus. Call, text, or get in contact with your friends somehow. Being a social recluse isn't beneficial. 

You Know You Love Her...

            Lately, I've been addicted to Gossip Girl, one of The CW’s hit TV shows. As of right now, I’m only on season 5 and, although I know the last episode of the series is premiering tonight, it will probably remain one of my favorite shows.

            Out of all of the Upper East Side’s residents, Blair Waldorf has steadily become my favorite person. In the beginning, I didn't like her at all. She seemed like a snobby, conniving girl. Over the seasons, more of her true character has been revealed and has made me relate to her.

            Blair’s killer fashion sense and perfectly-groomed brown hair set her apart as the queen bee of the UES. In complete contrast to Serena, Blair doesn't rely on her status and mother’s connections. She has always striven to excel academically and find her own place in this world. This endears her to me since I have always worked hard to achieve all of my goals and succeed academically.      

            Blair will do anything to protect her friends and is extremely loyal to those she cares the most about. One of her best qualities is that she never gives up on the people that she loves. This is proven by her relationship with Chuck Bass, one of Gossip Girl’s best romances in my opinion. No matter what fate throws at them, Blair never gives up on Chuck.

            She’s scared to let her vulnerability show, but when she does, you get to see the complete Blair Waldorf, flaws and all. One of those flaws is her overreaching sense of insecurity. I've dealt with some of the same insecurities, so I can relate to her.

            Her scheming is one of her worst, yet best, characteristics. The best drama and intriguing plot twists can sometimes arise from a classic Waldorf scheme. Her schemes and lies are balanced by her overall good, caring nature.

            Leighton Meester was the perfect choice of actress to play Blair Waldorf. Honestly, I can’t imagine anyone else in her place. Her portrayal of Blair made me love Blair even more because she captures her essence perfectly.

            

The Glass

The bottle sat there, tall
and stable glass soldier.
It did not beckon, or
coax or call out to drink.
He hefted it up, swigging
a mouthful. Burning fire, sweet
relief. She had a glass full
of sweet juice. Daintily she poured
one shot full in. Swirling and mixing,
she sipped. He reached for the double
shot glass. She reached for him.
Carefully she filled the shot glass.
Eyes on him, she lifted it high
And threw it back, never blinking once.

Letter to Him

Dear You,
This is my letter to you that I know you'll never read or probably see, even though the entire Internet can peruse it at their leisure. But I have to write it.
I loved you. Let me get that straight. Loved. As in the past tense. No matter what pretty words you say or how many pretty pictures you paint, I can never forget that with that love came so much pain and tears. I cried my heart out over you at least once a month.
And yes, it's true, at times we were friends. It was only because I thought that maybe  just maybe, I could change you or you would realize that I was the perfect girl for you. That never happened. You made it seem like it was going to happen, but you just broke my hopes.
I'm not that girl anymore. You know this, I know that you do. I can't be her anymore; I'm way too strong now and I love myself far too much. I need someone who is going to be good for me and you just have too many bad memories and hurts attached to you.
I can't talk to you without all of those old wounds opening back up. I don't want to let myself get close to you again. I think Taylor Swift said it best on her new album:
"And you call me up again just to break me like a promise." -All Too Well
"I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye." -I Almost Do
"So he calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you,' and I'm like...I just...I mean this is exhausting you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like, ever." -We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I can't do this. And the fact that you insulted my very best friend, who loves me no matter what and is always there for me, just proved that we could never be together.

Me

Discovering Truths

I'm not that girl anymore. The one who was always so scared and got so nervous and worked up over every little thing. The one who was so scared of losing the people she cared about the most. The one who didn't realize that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. She never understood what true friendship really was. I've realized that life is life and shit happens. The people who left me? They weren't good enough for me. They hurt me or lied to me. The people I walked away from? I realized that they were only bringing me down and weren't truly interested in who I was becoming. I was changing and finding out who I truly am; honestly, that scared them. They needed the scared, nervous, lonely little girl who put up with so much crap just because she was scared of being lonely. Without them, I'm flying. 

I over-thought and over-analyzed every little conversation, gesture, and silence. That is possibly the most destructive thing you could ever do to yourself. Other people don't get a chance to hurt you because you've already cut yourself to the core. Don't do it. I know the urge is really strong at times, but you don't know everything. Don't inflict those scars on yourself. You have to learn to love yourself and realize that the right people will love you too. If they don't and if they leave you or hurt you, then clearly they are not the right people and you honestly don't need them. It took me nineteen long years to come to that conclusion. I cried so many tears and beat myself up so badly. Why couldn't I keep friends? Well, duh Kristen. They weren't the right ones. 

Don't take this the wrong way. My life is far from perfect. Or maybe it's my kind of perfect. Right now, I'm pretty damn happy, and I honestly can't imagine things being any different than they are. I took a rough and rocky road to get to this place, but the scars and bruises were well-worth this view.

Transformation

This is my first attempt at a pantoum, so don't judge too harshly.

She runs out of the house,
Smiling and waving.
Little princess with her dolls
Twirling in her long pink dress.

Smiling and waving,
she steals everyone's attention
Twirling in her long pink dress
Prom queen, beauty queen

She steals everyone's attention
Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Prom queen, beauty queen
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair

Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Little princess with her dolls
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair
She runs out of the house

Photographs

I was scrolling through my old profile pictures on Facebook, and I just stopped once I reached a certain point. Did I really dress like that? Did I actually think that was cute? I'm not going to lie, I didn't have the greatest influences where style was concerned back then. Some of the clothes I wore I just shake my head at now. Basically, in my best friend's words, I looked like a hoe. I laughed and said "No I didn't!!" But now, actually looking at those photos, I realize I did. I was trying to make my profile picture so cute and pretty to catch guys' attention. Like who does that? Was I really that desperate for attention? Did I really measure my self-worth on "likes"? I roll my eyes at seventeen-year-old me. She was such an idiot. Letting certain people do your makeup? No, honey. I looked nothing like myself. Hands on your hips? Please, don't. And oh lord, the horrible duckface. No. No. No. I'm a little ashamed of myself for doing that mess. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent photos I took back then and some decent clothes. Overall though, I wouldn't repeat that phase of my life for all the gold in the land.

Confession Time: Harry Potter Edition

Okay, it's time for me to confess something. I have let Harry Potter take over my life the past week. It started out innocently enough. I remembered a really good Harry Potter fan-fiction story that I read this summer and wanted to find it again. While on harrypotterfanfiction.com (which has some great stories, by the way), I got distracted and began reading other works of fan-fiction  I never found the story I was looking for, now that I think of it. I forgot about schoolwork and spent hours reading different stories, mainly ones that took place after the series. I hated the ones that tried to mess with J.K.'s world.
Then I began thinking, I want to watch all the Harry Potter movies. But, alas, I don't have them all on DVD. So I ordered the first two movies on DVD from Amazon.
Then I went to the library and checked the first three books out and read over half of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in a day.
I searched Harry Potter on imgfave.com and went through fifty pages of Harry Potter images while simultaneously browsing etsy.com for Harry Potter jewelry.

I'm obsessed. I think I need help.

Random thought processes during a class

I just love typing in pretty cursive writing. It’s generally because I’m bored. Am I really writing all of this during my Comm class? Shouldn’t I be listening to my professor? Eh, it doesn’t matter. We’re just discussing interviews. Oh no, there’s a silence…never mind, he’s not asking a question. I guess we all screwed up our interviews. What can you expect since we’re not professionals? We’re still learning. Did someone really not know who the chancellor was? I still don’t know what he does though. Of course no one knows anybody except the football coach…the other people are faceless authorities. I don’t know what over half of them do. I’ve learned that I always need to ask people how to spell their name or I’m screwed. Student fees for textbooks are ridiculous because everyone’s books are completely different prices. Science textbooks are outrageous prices while my Comm and English textbooks are relatively cheap. Plus, I don’t buy them from the bookstore if I can get them from Amazon. I’d rather pay twenty dollars instead of fifty dollars. Common sense, people? I think I’m going to blog this…my random thought processes during classes. Sounds about right! People spell their names in various weird ways. I don’t know if I like this class as much as my other ones. My mind just won’t stick to what he’s saying. Now we’re talking about tuition increases. I don’t mean to brag…but I don’t have to worry about that. I like interviewing normal people rather than people in authority because I can carry on a conversation with normal people better. I can connect with them…the human dimension. Screw numbers and trends.

Break-up. For good.

From the first time I heard it, I was obsessed with Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Besides the catchy tune, the lyrics really spoke to me, but what’s new with Taylor’s lyrics? I know I am not alone in saying that it sometimes feels as if Taylor ransacked my personal diary for song inspiration. She has always been able to really connect with people’s emotions.

“Then you come around again and say ‘Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me.’ Remember how that lasted for a day? I say, ‘I hate you,’ we break up, you call me, ‘I love you.’” I have gone through this scenario more times than I can count. I think the most difficult part is loving them and desperately hoping that they will, and can, change. You can try to change them or help them to change, but, more than likely, once you’ve gone through heartbreak with that person it will repeat continuously. If you can’t break the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, you will forever be stuck in that loop. It’s definitely a hard cycle to break, but worth it in the long run.

The bridge is my favorite part by far: “I used to think that we were forever ever and I used to say, ‘Never say never…’ Ugh, so he calls me up and he’s like, ‘I still love you,’ and I’m like…’ I just…I mean this is exhausting, you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like ever.’”  This was the exact situation I was in earlier. When you can refuse that person and tell them that you’re never getting back together, you are finally free. 

One Thin Line

(Note: This poem is not about something that the author does. Don't think I need help.)

No dashed line visible
No inherent sign
But with a smooth silver motion
A vivid red line was exposed

A slight sting, a whispered sigh
Pain in momentarily present
But relief seeps in
As the red seeps out

Better than alcohol
And better than tears
Just hide the marks
And have no fear

Grown Up

The realization hits you one day,
You're a child no longer.
You depend on yourself,
And make your own decisions and mistakes.

When your heart gets broken,
You cry for awhile;
But then get back up and move on,
Not curse your fate and blame the world.

When bad luck strikes,
As it's prone to do,
You hold your head high
Not whine like a child.

When friends turn on you
And leave you alone in the dark,
You realize who your true friends are
Not scream and promise vengeance and revenge.

Bad things happen and can't be avoided,
But how you deal with it shows your maturity.
If you accept it and move on with your life,
You can know you have truly grown up.

Renewal and Change and Moving On

Lately, I've been listening to certain songs because they hold a lot of meaning for me. Of course, these songs are a mix of different musical genres and artists because my tastes are varied, but they have a common theme: renewal and moving on. This past year has held a lot of changes for me and these songs help me to deal.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over, but had me believing it was always something that I'd done. But I don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say." Gotye and Kimbra clearly sing "Somebody That I Used To Know" about a previous boyfriend or girlfriend. It does work that way, but it also works for any previous relationship. This song symbolizes for me, finding out that you can't live your life totally dependent on someone else's moods and feelings. If that person makes you feel like every bad thing that happens between the two of you is your fault, then you don't need them in your life. I found out that I can't live my life treading carefully around people.

"Even if I try to push you out, will you return? And remind me who I really am? Please remind me who I really am. Everybody's got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's picture perfect but we're worth it; you know that we're worth it. Will you love me, even with my dark side?" This song is one of the reasons Kelly Clarkson is still my favorite singer. She captures exactly how I'm feeling with her lyrics. Of course I always knew that I wasn't perfect, because no one is, but this expresses my fear. I'm so scared that someone is going to see the bad parts of who I am, my dark side so to speak, and they won't be able to deal with it. They won't be able to love my dark side and they'll leave. Finding people who remind me of the person that I truly am is a blessing. Those are the people who know your dark side and don't judge you or run away. Love these people.

"You chewed me up and spit me out like I was poison in your mouth. You took my light, you drained me down, but that was then and this is now." "This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no. Throw your sticks and stones, throw your bombs and your blows, but you're not gonna break my soul." "Now look at me I'm sparkling; a firework, a dancing flame. You won't ever put me out again." I can't even remember where I first heard this song, but I'm so glad I did. Katy Perry sang exactly what I'm feeling. I have had so many people screw me over and break me, but that was all in my past. No one is ever going to be able to break my soul, no matter what they do to me. I'm life and light, and they can't destroy me.  I am unconquerable.

The Bucket List

This summer, I decided to create a bucket list. After compiling a list of things I want to do during my life, I wrote them down on a sheet of construction paper to keep in my room at all times. Also, I decided to post it up here so that I can always remind myself of my dreams. Some of these are serious and some are silly, but here goes nothing...

Become less shy. Be a better person to the people around me. Stop biting my nails. Have fun without regrets. Move on and forget about him. Forgive and forget. Go to New York. Go to Los Angeles. Get over my fears. Find the perfect (for me) guy. Be kissed in the rain. Reach my goal weight/figure. Find true friends. Get a tattoo. Gain confidence. Fall in love. Have a Harry Potter movie marathon. Spend a night at the beach. Graduate from college. Be a stronger person. Kiss someone on New Year's Eve. Have friends forever. Go to a Taylor Swift concert. Go to a Selena Gomez concert. Have a flatter stomach. Smile more. Be more organized. Learn how to cook. Go to Greece. Have a long-lasting relationship. Stop being insecure. Learn to take criticism better. Have a road trip with friends. Accept myself. Find the love of my life. Feel beautiful always. Go to Italy. Not care what people think of me. Text less, talk more. Get a dream catcher. Spend less money. Prove everyone wrong. Find a four leaf clover. Get my own apartment. Become less awkward. Have someone think I'm beautiful when I'm a hot mess. Have a Valentine. Stop being so hard on myself. Have a food fight. Learn how to love. Buy an iPad or iPod touch. Become a better artist. Stop holding back. See the northern lights. Be defined as "gorgeous." Make unforgettable memories. Respect myself and my body. Love without fear. Party all night. Kiss under fireworks. Feel pretty without makeup on. Keep my best friends. Go to San Francisco. Find myself. Stop over-thinking. Put the past behind me. Go zip lining. Have a better relationship with God. Make a difference. Cuddle with someone the whole day. Go on a perfect date. Write a book. Swim with dolphins. Beat my depression. Stop procrastinating. Become even closer to my best friends. Learn to sing better. Have a paint war. Stop being afraid of the future. Have a walk-in closet. Be someone's inspiration. Fix my self-esteem. Live with no regrets.

Look, act, think, work.

"Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man, work like a boss."

This quote has become my mantra over the last few weeks. Personally, I've never been particularly girly. Don't get me wrong: I love dressing up at times, but only every so often. I'm more comfortable in t-shirts and jeans, lounging around the house. I'm not scared to break a nail or get dirty. I believe in looking like a girl, because I'm only nineteen years old. I'm not going to try to act way older than I am and I'm not going to wear super baggy clothes. I'm going to look like a nineteen year old college student, but I'm going to act like a lady, insomuch as I can. I've never been very ladylike and prissy. I try to watch what I say however and act polite in everything I do. I was raised in the South after all! Thinking like a man is the tricky part. Don't over-think mess. Don't see connections where there are none. Just live in the moment. I'm going to work like a boss in whatever I do. Work hard, but work smart. Be a leader in whatever you do.

I'm doing my best to be a strong, resourceful woman. I might be a long way from it, but I'm getting closer every day.

One Year

I barely recognize her.
The hair color is the same and so are the eyes.
She is essentially the same person, yet she isn't.

She hid her opinions so that people would like her.
Always scared of rejection and being turned away.
Bruised and broken, she limped through life, hiding her eyes and clinging to shadows.

Now, it's all about the light and living in the right now.
Yes, bad things happen but we have to move on.
Change is scary, but I meet it head-on.
I've learned my limits and how people can deceive.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see that hollow-eyed girl anymore.
I don't recognize her in myself unless I look deep.
It's funny what a difference a year can make.

Better Than You

You always claimed that you were always on my side.
But I found out differently.

It's fairly easy to fake emotions and feelings especially when you need that person.
What you have to look for is the person whose actions and words coincide.
The person who will go out of their way for you and who cares about you when miles separate you.

Don't worry about me.
I found someone better than you.

100.

Warning: This is a really long, sporadic blog entry that doesn't quite live up to the title. My apologies in advance.

Okay this is going to be 100 things about me...but not the stupid things like "I'm Kristen Martin. I'm nineteen." No, this is going to be 100 random, crazy things about myself. Sometimes they might be stupid; but it's my blog, I write what I want. Which brings us to...1) I have an attitude. A massive one that sometimes I just let run its course. 2)I never thought I would want an Android phone. Blackberry, pshh. This Aviator is like a whole new world compared to my old Blackberry. 3)My tastes in music, movies and TV shows can be weird and all over the place. 4) Books are my drug. Get me a book and I will always love you. Screw one of my books up...hell hath no fury. 5) Never had an interest in tobacco or smoking. Ever. 6) I want to be a princess. Where's my tiara? 7) I don't want to be aloneeeeeee. 8) Lifetime movies are so not my thing. "My husband cheated on me." "My neighbor's a psycho." Been there, done that. 9) Procrastination. My picture is next to that word in the dictionary. 10) Ra ra ooh lala. Random songs. 11) Restraining myself from smacking people is one of my new talents. 12) What if I wrote a novel about my life, expose-style? Awesome sauce. 13) I can't say Florida correctly. 14) I like my friends more than some of my family. 15) I'm scared to death of losing my friends. 16) I've never dyed or highlighted my hair...but I've wanted to. 17) When I was little, I would have died to be a redhead. 18) DISNEYYY. 19) I want a fairy tale. 20) No, I want something real. 21)I used to hate pink, but my comforter is now pink. Twist of fate. 22) ZEBRA! I'm obsessed. 23) I wanted a tiger as a pet...then I saw The Hangover. Still wanted a tiger as a pet. 24) Channing Tatum is the hottest guy ever. 25) I never realized 100 was soooo far away. 26) My heart is purple and gold, I'm a pirate down to my soul. 27) Piracy is no big deal. 28) See what I did there? 29) I want a two story house. 30) DVR is my new best friend. 31) Animal commercials get to me. 32) I forget more things than I remember. 33) Overdramatic? Yes, I am. 34) I hate mornings. With a passion. 35). I can't do this anymore. 100 things is a really long list. So....my list is 100 things about me subtract sixty-four.

I CAN'T FINISH WHAT I STARTTTTT.

Definition: Pirate

According to dictionary.com, a pirate is "a person who robs or commits illegal violence at sea or on the shores of the sea." However, if you ask any East Carolinian, a Pirate is the best thing you could be. East Carolina Pirates are the best of both worlds: We know how to party, but we also have some of the best academic programs in not only the state, but the country. On crisp fall Saturdays, you'll find Pirates flooding Dowdy Ficklen Stadium, screaming and cheering. The Pirates' "ship," which is the campus, is one of the prettiest and friendliest you'll ever find. That's the thing I love about East Carolina: you instantly feel at home as soon as you step onto the campus. Becoming a Pirate was, by far, the best decision of my life. Not only am I studying the subject that I love with some of the best professors, but I also got to meet people who completely changed my life. I know that people say Disneyland is the happiest and best place on Earth, but it can't compare to ECU's gorgeous Mall, beautiful brick buildings, and inviting atmosphere. I'm truly a Pirate down to soul and I will always bleed purple and gold.

Epiphany

Isn’t it funny how at the most random times you think of something that completely changes your perspective on life? This very thing happened tonight, while, oddly enough, I was taking a shower. My major epiphany dealt with how I deal with people. I have this habit of blaming myself whenever one of my friends is in a bad mood or mad. Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with me, I find a way to blame myself or think that it’s my fault. I really hate this about myself and feel that it might eventually ruin one of my relationships. I’ve never really understood what made me start doing this, until tonight. Several years ago, one of my friends and I fought all of the time, and I was always the one to apologize. Even if things weren’t my fault, she always made me feel like they were and always made me feel like I was doing something wrong. If anyone went through this for a long enough period of time, they would eventually start blaming themselves for everything and apologizing even when they shouldn’t. I feel that maybe, now that I know what caused this behavior, I can start to fix it and realize that true friends will let me know if something’s wrong, and that I am not always to blame for everything. In actuality, when two people argue, usually both people are at fault and both should apologize. When just one person apologizes all the time, it’s not a true friendship or relationship. I’m so glad that I figured all of this out, so that maybe I can start being a better best friend to the people I care about the most.  

Baring My Soul

This is more of a self-healing blog entry that I did for my own good than anything else...but who knows, you might learn more about how my mind works. Let me start by saying I'm completely messed up on the inside. I've let my past affect my present so many times that it's ridiculous. My main problem is that I over-think and over-analyze absolutely everything. I have let people use and manipulate me, with my consent. I know that sounds like a really stupid thing, and I should have just said no or something like that. The thing is, though, when you let someone have your heart, even if you know they're going to hurt you, you can't just say no and walk away. Enough about my sinking ship of a love life, however. My main problem where over-thinking and over-analyzing affects me is in my friendships. I won't lie...I haven't always made the best choices when it comes to my closest friends. I trusted people that I probably shouldn't have, and if I could redo things, I might not have gotten as close to them again. Those people really screwed up my opinion of friends and made me believe that best friends were just a fairy tale. Whenever anything happens, I always over-think things and think the worst, because that's what my past experience has taught me: people will screw you over and you will never keep a best friend for forever. I'm trying so hard to work through this, but it's horribly difficult. It's worse when I'm alone for extended periods of time, like this summer for instance. Thinking like this is ridiculous and uncalled for, but it's part of who I am, albeit a part I'm trying to change. Slowly, I'm changing...but it's going to take a while.

Lessons Learned: Friends

Over the past eight years or so (ever since middle school), I have learned so many lessons about having friendships. There are some people that only want to be close with you for their own ulterior motives. Maybe they like knowing all the gossip they can and want to be able to spread your personal business to others. Another possible reason could be to dig up as much dirt on you as possible, for various reasons. Over time, it gets easier and easier to spot those people. Generally, they don't want to hang out for the sake of having friend time. Whenever you're around them, they keep asking you questions, like what do you think of this person and how do you like so-and-so's new haircut. I'm not saying you should avoid them, but watch what you tell these people. Then you have the friends that are fun to be around, but who will put you down and make you feel horrible in a heartbeat. I'm not quite what motivates these people; perhaps it makes them feel better about themselves. No matter the reason, you shouldn't spend too much of your time with them for your own good. Another breed of bad friend is the friend who will sell you out for other friends or their boyfriend/girlfriend. You might think that the two of you are close until that other friend or the significant other comes along...then BAM you're out of the picture! It might be difficult, but you shouldn't depend heavily on them since they will always let you down. As you get older, you are able to identify these types of "bad" friends quickly and more efficiently. I know I certainly have been able to.

Beyond High School

"You want the truth? Well, here it is. eventually, you forget it all. First you forget everything you learned - the dates of wars and Pythagorean theorem. You especially forget everything you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers, and eventually you forget those, too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seemed indelible, just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who had the most friends. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else." -Anonymous

 I found this quote the other and, after reading it, I realized how true it is. There are so many facts that I learned (or memorized) from high school classes that I definitely don't remember anymore. It's hard enough remembering details from classes I took last semester! I have already forgotten what classes I took and who taught those classes to me. The only ones that stand out in sharp relief are the classes that taught me more than just math equations and history lessons. Those classes and teachers are the ones who shaped my personality and helped me find out what I wanted to do with my life (like all of the classes I took with Mr. Vaughan!). I can't remember who I sat with at lunch or what songs defined my life in those days. I know that I must have had some horrific embarrassments, since everyone does during high school, but I just can't remember what they were. If I didn't have my yearbook with its senior superlatives, I wouldn't be able to tell you who was most athletic or most likely to succeed. I've even forgotten the moments I shared with the guy I thought I loved. All of those high school memories are fading to gray in my memory and only a few still shine brightly. There is more to life than high school...a whole bright world out there ready to explore. I've had one year of the real world, and while it might have its problems and responsibilities, I know that I'm prepared and will succeed.

Definition: Best Friend

According to the dictionary, a best friend is "the one friend who is closest to you." True best friends are more than that however. Of course, like with a regular friend, you have fun with your best friends. You believe you can trust those people with your life completely. They are the first people you tell when something amazing happens to you, and they are also the first people you tell when something horrible happens. Whether you just need them to listen to you or give you advice, you know that you can depend upon them. These people feel like family and even if you've known them for less than a year, you feel as if you've known them for forever. These people tell you what you need to hear, whether you want to hear it or not. They also protect you from jerks, and will honestly tell you when you need to cut someone out of your life. Even if you're around them 24/7, like I am with my best friends, you never get sick of them. You don't envy them; when they are successful and accomplish something, you feel as if you accomplished something as well. Your best friends will always forgive you, no matter what happens. Nothing is too much for them to forgive because you would never do something truly heinous to a true best friend. Your best friends can always cheer you up and make you laugh, even if all you feel like doing is crying. True best friends actually care about you and want to stay in touch so that they can know what is happening in your life. The most important feature of a best friend, which explains why you trust them so explicitly, is that best friends never judge you. They understand you in so intricate a way that they understand why you do what you do and would never try to press beliefs or ideas onto you. They will not judge you by what they believe is right since they don't judge. In my opinion, finding true best friends is harder than finding true love. Once you find these people or this person however, NEVER LET THEM GO.

My two best friends that I found in college. I love these two with all my heart. (First picture we all took together :D)

Passion

Everyone has that one thing that makes them complete and makes life worth living. Everyone has a passion, whether it be a hobby, a person, or a way of life. Some have more than one thing that completes them. Take me for instance, my best friends make my life so much better because I have other people that I can talk to that truly understand me and will never judge or hurt me. I also have my art, which consists of photography, drawing, writing, poetry, and music. Photography is how I capture the world. It lets me show other people what I see and how I see. To me, there is nothing more breathtaking than a gorgeous photograph that shows a piece of the artist's soul. Drawing is something I just do for fun. To be honest, I am not that great. I can't even draw faces! But sketching centers me. I have to forget everything that's going on around me and focus on what I'm doing at that exact moment. Writing and poetry help me express all of the emotions that are bubbling up inside of me and dying to be shown. If I kept everything bottled up without some kind of outlet, I would literally explode or go completely crazy. Writing cleanses me and helps me sort through everything I'm feeling. It also shows how much I've grown over the years. When I read some of my old poetry from high school, I realize that I have grown as a person and learned to manage feelings and emotions so much better. I also realize that I have broken some pretty destructive habits. Music just makes me happy. I love to sing and sometimes catch myself singing without realizing it. When I sing, the anger and sadness just drains out of me. It's a release just like my writing. Another passion that I forgot to mention is reading. I lose myself in books. Books are how I explore other worlds and escape my own life. I could almost describe the characters in my favorite books as beloved friends. I know how they would respond to situations, but sometimes they still surprise me. Whenever I finish a book series, I have mixed emotions. I'm glad to know how everything turned out, but I have a sense of loss. I have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.

Cleansing and Healing

Getting over a broken heart is tough. What makes it even tougher is when you just can't let go and keep going back to that person. It's almost like they're a drug. You keep trying and trying to get clean, but you're so addicted that any attempt to quit fails. That's how I was; I just couldn't let this guy go. No matter how badly he treated me and how much he left me hanging on a string, I let him have control of my heart. It's hard enough letting someone have the power to break your heart, but when you give it to someone who abuses that power, it makes it really hard for you to trust other guys. I gave him two years of my life and let him treat me as an option when he didn't have anything better. Finally, when I got to college, I realized that my life would be so much better without him in it. Just like a drug, he was dragging me down and not letting me reach my full potential. When I let him go, I felt the biggest relief. I finally realized that I deserved a guy that would treat me right and not hurt me on a consistent basis. Now that I'm over him, I see what a jerk he has become. He is nothing like the guy that I originally fell in love with, the guy that I thought he was. He might have been my first love, but he definitely will not be my last. I deserve so much more than that. I deserve to be happy.

Coming Home

I've been home from my freshman year of college for over a week now, and it still feels surreal. I feel like I should be heading back to Greenville any day now. Greenville seems more like home to me now, because I fit in there and feel more comfortable there. Trying to fit in back home is like trying to put a square peg in a round slot - completely impossible. I just don't relate to anyone in Northampton County anymore...I've had so many different experiences and made so many more ties that I ever could have had back here. Isolation is a common feeling that I'm learning to deal with again. It never seemed quite as bad when I was in high school, but after experiencing a taste of city life, the sheer space and quiet chafes at me. Since my place of work has cut back heavily on their hours, I have more free time on my hands than things to do. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trapped in a room that's filling with water. I try to climb the walls but they're so slick and smooth that I can't gain a purchase and slide right back into the water. I try to limit how much I talk to my best friends because I don't want to bother them, but they're basically my life preservers. I will always be a country girl at heart, but I have that city edge to me now that's crying out and pleading with me to return her to where she belongs.

Life

I know that I'm just nineteen years old, but I've learned a lot of lessons during those nineteen years.
First, you have to watch who you trust. Some people in your life only want to hear your business so that they can be nosy and pass it along. There are a very few people in your life that actually care about you and want to help you with any problems you have. When you find those people, cherish them.
This brings me to the second thing: friends. For the most part, friends will come and go in your life. You make friends during high school, college classes, summer jobs, and other events. Many of these are just for a short time, but that doesn't mean that they are not valuable. When you find your true best friends though, the ones that will stay with you no matter what and who honestly understand you completely, hang on to them. Which, in my case, they will hang on to you no matter what!!
You have to live for the little things. Dance in the rain. Sing at the top of your lungs. Lay in the sun, just because you want to. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Hang out with your best friends all day long. The little things in life are the things that you remember, like the silly stupid things that make you smile. And when life gives you all these huge problems that you think will overwhelm you....relax. Think of the little things that make you smile, and everything just doesn't feel that bad.
Don't listen to what everyone says about you. Gossip is a horrible monster that can destroy you if you let it. Also, don't let what others say about you make you feel like you're worthless. Whether they say you're ugly, fat, or a slut, just remember that what you think about yourself is worth millions more than what they say. You're a beautiful, wonderful person and others will tear you down from jealousy if you let them.
Just live. Do the things that you never thought you would be able to. You will regret what you didn't do more than what you did. In actuality, you rarely regret what you do...at least I don't. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and redo something because I should have done something when I didn't. Push yourself to your limits, but always know how to relax and kick back. Drive for no reason and splurge on yourself every once in a while. Don't let life pass you by; it's way too short.

Damaged

You could say I'm an emotional wreck or that I'm damaged. I have more scars, physically and emotionally, than you could ever count. Yes, I've been hurt. Yes, I overreact. No, I won't blame you for my past. I used to hold onto things, let them bog me down until I would break. I'd cry myself to sleep at night, wishing the pain would stop, wondering what I did that was so wrong. Everywhere I looked was dark and there was no sign of it ever getting better. 

Then one day I realized that I could walk in the dark forever or I could find the light. I could find the simple happiness, the silver lining, in every day. One simple laugh or one little miracle is all it would take to bring the light back. Now I look in the mirror and instead of seeing that broken girl I was, I see the strong woman I have become. Yes I still know pain and suffering and tears and yes my heart still hurts...but I don't let it break me. I can not be broken. I will not be broken.

The explanation is quite simple really. It's like I had been walking so long in the rain, that I had forgotten what the sun felt like. Now I'm remembering, now I'm feeling it again. Every day gets easier, breath by breath.

"Real men care about the size of your heart, not the size of your jeans."

This quote is so true.  If a boy will put you down and say he can't be with you because you're not as skinny as Barbie, then he doesn't deserve you.  Mature people who are ready for relationships realize that looks are not what makes a relationship last.  What makes a relationship last are the two people's personalities.  You can have a thin, absolutely gorgeous girl who is catty, bitchy, and will make your life a living hell.  Will you really look over those characterisitics just because she's beautiful? No, you won't...so why would you ignore a sweet, loving girl just because she's not a size 0?