Baggage

Approximately a year and a half ago, I had my fortune told by a tarot card reader for fun as part of the Halloween festivities. Even though it wasn't serious, part of her reading has always stuck with me.

She said that I had a lot of emotional baggage because I don't deal with my emotions properly and just shove them under the surface. Eventually, I end up exploding due to this and I'll never be able to really start my life until I deal with all of that baggage.

This is so true.Sometimes I just put things out of my mind because I don't want to deal with them and they'll pop up out of nowhere a few months later. I"m hit with nauseating waves of sadness, anger, or hopelessness. Those three emotions are the main ones that I can't deal with properly.

When I explode, I beat myself up over things that happened so long ago or that aren't truly my fault. I've known this for a while but, like my emotions, I just threw it on the back burner because I have school and extracurricular activities to deal with right now. However for the first time, I realized tonight that I have to learn to deal with these emotions right now or I'll stay stuck in the same rut that I'm in currently.

I pride myself on being honest, which I am normally. The only time that I don't tell the whole truth is when my emotions are involved. To those who know me really well, I'm an open book. Except sometimes I am able to hide those emotions from them and they don't realize the motives behind my actions.

Honestly, I'm so scared all of the time. Little things overwhelm me and things that are no big deal make me tear up. I don't think even the people I care about the most realize how terrified I am. I've progressed a lot from where I was but I'm so far from truly being the person that I want to be.

Every day, I'm going to just let myself feel whatever I feel and fully explain what I feel and why. If I don't, I'm going to end up driving myself crazy.