Baring My Soul

This is more of a self-healing blog entry that I did for my own good than anything else...but who knows, you might learn more about how my mind works. Let me start by saying I'm completely messed up on the inside. I've let my past affect my present so many times that it's ridiculous. My main problem is that I over-think and over-analyze absolutely everything. I have let people use and manipulate me, with my consent. I know that sounds like a really stupid thing, and I should have just said no or something like that. The thing is, though, when you let someone have your heart, even if you know they're going to hurt you, you can't just say no and walk away. Enough about my sinking ship of a love life, however. My main problem where over-thinking and over-analyzing affects me is in my friendships. I won't lie...I haven't always made the best choices when it comes to my closest friends. I trusted people that I probably shouldn't have, and if I could redo things, I might not have gotten as close to them again. Those people really screwed up my opinion of friends and made me believe that best friends were just a fairy tale. Whenever anything happens, I always over-think things and think the worst, because that's what my past experience has taught me: people will screw you over and you will never keep a best friend for forever. I'm trying so hard to work through this, but it's horribly difficult. It's worse when I'm alone for extended periods of time, like this summer for instance. Thinking like this is ridiculous and uncalled for, but it's part of who I am, albeit a part I'm trying to change. Slowly, I'm changing...but it's going to take a while.

Lessons Learned: Friends

Over the past eight years or so (ever since middle school), I have learned so many lessons about having friendships. There are some people that only want to be close with you for their own ulterior motives. Maybe they like knowing all the gossip they can and want to be able to spread your personal business to others. Another possible reason could be to dig up as much dirt on you as possible, for various reasons. Over time, it gets easier and easier to spot those people. Generally, they don't want to hang out for the sake of having friend time. Whenever you're around them, they keep asking you questions, like what do you think of this person and how do you like so-and-so's new haircut. I'm not saying you should avoid them, but watch what you tell these people. Then you have the friends that are fun to be around, but who will put you down and make you feel horrible in a heartbeat. I'm not quite what motivates these people; perhaps it makes them feel better about themselves. No matter the reason, you shouldn't spend too much of your time with them for your own good. Another breed of bad friend is the friend who will sell you out for other friends or their boyfriend/girlfriend. You might think that the two of you are close until that other friend or the significant other comes along...then BAM you're out of the picture! It might be difficult, but you shouldn't depend heavily on them since they will always let you down. As you get older, you are able to identify these types of "bad" friends quickly and more efficiently. I know I certainly have been able to.

Beyond High School

"You want the truth? Well, here it is. eventually, you forget it all. First you forget everything you learned - the dates of wars and Pythagorean theorem. You especially forget everything you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers, and eventually you forget those, too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seemed indelible, just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who had the most friends. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else." -Anonymous

 I found this quote the other and, after reading it, I realized how true it is. There are so many facts that I learned (or memorized) from high school classes that I definitely don't remember anymore. It's hard enough remembering details from classes I took last semester! I have already forgotten what classes I took and who taught those classes to me. The only ones that stand out in sharp relief are the classes that taught me more than just math equations and history lessons. Those classes and teachers are the ones who shaped my personality and helped me find out what I wanted to do with my life (like all of the classes I took with Mr. Vaughan!). I can't remember who I sat with at lunch or what songs defined my life in those days. I know that I must have had some horrific embarrassments, since everyone does during high school, but I just can't remember what they were. If I didn't have my yearbook with its senior superlatives, I wouldn't be able to tell you who was most athletic or most likely to succeed. I've even forgotten the moments I shared with the guy I thought I loved. All of those high school memories are fading to gray in my memory and only a few still shine brightly. There is more to life than high school...a whole bright world out there ready to explore. I've had one year of the real world, and while it might have its problems and responsibilities, I know that I'm prepared and will succeed.

Definition: Best Friend

According to the dictionary, a best friend is "the one friend who is closest to you." True best friends are more than that however. Of course, like with a regular friend, you have fun with your best friends. You believe you can trust those people with your life completely. They are the first people you tell when something amazing happens to you, and they are also the first people you tell when something horrible happens. Whether you just need them to listen to you or give you advice, you know that you can depend upon them. These people feel like family and even if you've known them for less than a year, you feel as if you've known them for forever. These people tell you what you need to hear, whether you want to hear it or not. They also protect you from jerks, and will honestly tell you when you need to cut someone out of your life. Even if you're around them 24/7, like I am with my best friends, you never get sick of them. You don't envy them; when they are successful and accomplish something, you feel as if you accomplished something as well. Your best friends will always forgive you, no matter what happens. Nothing is too much for them to forgive because you would never do something truly heinous to a true best friend. Your best friends can always cheer you up and make you laugh, even if all you feel like doing is crying. True best friends actually care about you and want to stay in touch so that they can know what is happening in your life. The most important feature of a best friend, which explains why you trust them so explicitly, is that best friends never judge you. They understand you in so intricate a way that they understand why you do what you do and would never try to press beliefs or ideas onto you. They will not judge you by what they believe is right since they don't judge. In my opinion, finding true best friends is harder than finding true love. Once you find these people or this person however, NEVER LET THEM GO.

My two best friends that I found in college. I love these two with all my heart. (First picture we all took together :D)

Passion

Everyone has that one thing that makes them complete and makes life worth living. Everyone has a passion, whether it be a hobby, a person, or a way of life. Some have more than one thing that completes them. Take me for instance, my best friends make my life so much better because I have other people that I can talk to that truly understand me and will never judge or hurt me. I also have my art, which consists of photography, drawing, writing, poetry, and music. Photography is how I capture the world. It lets me show other people what I see and how I see. To me, there is nothing more breathtaking than a gorgeous photograph that shows a piece of the artist's soul. Drawing is something I just do for fun. To be honest, I am not that great. I can't even draw faces! But sketching centers me. I have to forget everything that's going on around me and focus on what I'm doing at that exact moment. Writing and poetry help me express all of the emotions that are bubbling up inside of me and dying to be shown. If I kept everything bottled up without some kind of outlet, I would literally explode or go completely crazy. Writing cleanses me and helps me sort through everything I'm feeling. It also shows how much I've grown over the years. When I read some of my old poetry from high school, I realize that I have grown as a person and learned to manage feelings and emotions so much better. I also realize that I have broken some pretty destructive habits. Music just makes me happy. I love to sing and sometimes catch myself singing without realizing it. When I sing, the anger and sadness just drains out of me. It's a release just like my writing. Another passion that I forgot to mention is reading. I lose myself in books. Books are how I explore other worlds and escape my own life. I could almost describe the characters in my favorite books as beloved friends. I know how they would respond to situations, but sometimes they still surprise me. Whenever I finish a book series, I have mixed emotions. I'm glad to know how everything turned out, but I have a sense of loss. I have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.

Cleansing and Healing

Getting over a broken heart is tough. What makes it even tougher is when you just can't let go and keep going back to that person. It's almost like they're a drug. You keep trying and trying to get clean, but you're so addicted that any attempt to quit fails. That's how I was; I just couldn't let this guy go. No matter how badly he treated me and how much he left me hanging on a string, I let him have control of my heart. It's hard enough letting someone have the power to break your heart, but when you give it to someone who abuses that power, it makes it really hard for you to trust other guys. I gave him two years of my life and let him treat me as an option when he didn't have anything better. Finally, when I got to college, I realized that my life would be so much better without him in it. Just like a drug, he was dragging me down and not letting me reach my full potential. When I let him go, I felt the biggest relief. I finally realized that I deserved a guy that would treat me right and not hurt me on a consistent basis. Now that I'm over him, I see what a jerk he has become. He is nothing like the guy that I originally fell in love with, the guy that I thought he was. He might have been my first love, but he definitely will not be my last. I deserve so much more than that. I deserve to be happy.

Coming Home

I've been home from my freshman year of college for over a week now, and it still feels surreal. I feel like I should be heading back to Greenville any day now. Greenville seems more like home to me now, because I fit in there and feel more comfortable there. Trying to fit in back home is like trying to put a square peg in a round slot - completely impossible. I just don't relate to anyone in Northampton County anymore...I've had so many different experiences and made so many more ties that I ever could have had back here. Isolation is a common feeling that I'm learning to deal with again. It never seemed quite as bad when I was in high school, but after experiencing a taste of city life, the sheer space and quiet chafes at me. Since my place of work has cut back heavily on their hours, I have more free time on my hands than things to do. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trapped in a room that's filling with water. I try to climb the walls but they're so slick and smooth that I can't gain a purchase and slide right back into the water. I try to limit how much I talk to my best friends because I don't want to bother them, but they're basically my life preservers. I will always be a country girl at heart, but I have that city edge to me now that's crying out and pleading with me to return her to where she belongs.

Life

I know that I'm just nineteen years old, but I've learned a lot of lessons during those nineteen years.
First, you have to watch who you trust. Some people in your life only want to hear your business so that they can be nosy and pass it along. There are a very few people in your life that actually care about you and want to help you with any problems you have. When you find those people, cherish them.
This brings me to the second thing: friends. For the most part, friends will come and go in your life. You make friends during high school, college classes, summer jobs, and other events. Many of these are just for a short time, but that doesn't mean that they are not valuable. When you find your true best friends though, the ones that will stay with you no matter what and who honestly understand you completely, hang on to them. Which, in my case, they will hang on to you no matter what!!
You have to live for the little things. Dance in the rain. Sing at the top of your lungs. Lay in the sun, just because you want to. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Hang out with your best friends all day long. The little things in life are the things that you remember, like the silly stupid things that make you smile. And when life gives you all these huge problems that you think will overwhelm you....relax. Think of the little things that make you smile, and everything just doesn't feel that bad.
Don't listen to what everyone says about you. Gossip is a horrible monster that can destroy you if you let it. Also, don't let what others say about you make you feel like you're worthless. Whether they say you're ugly, fat, or a slut, just remember that what you think about yourself is worth millions more than what they say. You're a beautiful, wonderful person and others will tear you down from jealousy if you let them.
Just live. Do the things that you never thought you would be able to. You will regret what you didn't do more than what you did. In actuality, you rarely regret what you do...at least I don't. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and redo something because I should have done something when I didn't. Push yourself to your limits, but always know how to relax and kick back. Drive for no reason and splurge on yourself every once in a while. Don't let life pass you by; it's way too short.