Cleansing and Healing

Getting over a broken heart is tough. What makes it even tougher is when you just can't let go and keep going back to that person. It's almost like they're a drug. You keep trying and trying to get clean, but you're so addicted that any attempt to quit fails. That's how I was; I just couldn't let this guy go. No matter how badly he treated me and how much he left me hanging on a string, I let him have control of my heart. It's hard enough letting someone have the power to break your heart, but when you give it to someone who abuses that power, it makes it really hard for you to trust other guys. I gave him two years of my life and let him treat me as an option when he didn't have anything better. Finally, when I got to college, I realized that my life would be so much better without him in it. Just like a drug, he was dragging me down and not letting me reach my full potential. When I let him go, I felt the biggest relief. I finally realized that I deserved a guy that would treat me right and not hurt me on a consistent basis. Now that I'm over him, I see what a jerk he has become. He is nothing like the guy that I originally fell in love with, the guy that I thought he was. He might have been my first love, but he definitely will not be my last. I deserve so much more than that. I deserve to be happy.

Coming Home

I've been home from my freshman year of college for over a week now, and it still feels surreal. I feel like I should be heading back to Greenville any day now. Greenville seems more like home to me now, because I fit in there and feel more comfortable there. Trying to fit in back home is like trying to put a square peg in a round slot - completely impossible. I just don't relate to anyone in Northampton County anymore...I've had so many different experiences and made so many more ties that I ever could have had back here. Isolation is a common feeling that I'm learning to deal with again. It never seemed quite as bad when I was in high school, but after experiencing a taste of city life, the sheer space and quiet chafes at me. Since my place of work has cut back heavily on their hours, I have more free time on my hands than things to do. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trapped in a room that's filling with water. I try to climb the walls but they're so slick and smooth that I can't gain a purchase and slide right back into the water. I try to limit how much I talk to my best friends because I don't want to bother them, but they're basically my life preservers. I will always be a country girl at heart, but I have that city edge to me now that's crying out and pleading with me to return her to where she belongs.

Life

I know that I'm just nineteen years old, but I've learned a lot of lessons during those nineteen years.
First, you have to watch who you trust. Some people in your life only want to hear your business so that they can be nosy and pass it along. There are a very few people in your life that actually care about you and want to help you with any problems you have. When you find those people, cherish them.
This brings me to the second thing: friends. For the most part, friends will come and go in your life. You make friends during high school, college classes, summer jobs, and other events. Many of these are just for a short time, but that doesn't mean that they are not valuable. When you find your true best friends though, the ones that will stay with you no matter what and who honestly understand you completely, hang on to them. Which, in my case, they will hang on to you no matter what!!
You have to live for the little things. Dance in the rain. Sing at the top of your lungs. Lay in the sun, just because you want to. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Hang out with your best friends all day long. The little things in life are the things that you remember, like the silly stupid things that make you smile. And when life gives you all these huge problems that you think will overwhelm you....relax. Think of the little things that make you smile, and everything just doesn't feel that bad.
Don't listen to what everyone says about you. Gossip is a horrible monster that can destroy you if you let it. Also, don't let what others say about you make you feel like you're worthless. Whether they say you're ugly, fat, or a slut, just remember that what you think about yourself is worth millions more than what they say. You're a beautiful, wonderful person and others will tear you down from jealousy if you let them.
Just live. Do the things that you never thought you would be able to. You will regret what you didn't do more than what you did. In actuality, you rarely regret what you do...at least I don't. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and redo something because I should have done something when I didn't. Push yourself to your limits, but always know how to relax and kick back. Drive for no reason and splurge on yourself every once in a while. Don't let life pass you by; it's way too short.

Damaged

You could say I'm an emotional wreck or that I'm damaged. I have more scars, physically and emotionally, than you could ever count. Yes, I've been hurt. Yes, I overreact. No, I won't blame you for my past. I used to hold onto things, let them bog me down until I would break. I'd cry myself to sleep at night, wishing the pain would stop, wondering what I did that was so wrong. Everywhere I looked was dark and there was no sign of it ever getting better. 

Then one day I realized that I could walk in the dark forever or I could find the light. I could find the simple happiness, the silver lining, in every day. One simple laugh or one little miracle is all it would take to bring the light back. Now I look in the mirror and instead of seeing that broken girl I was, I see the strong woman I have become. Yes I still know pain and suffering and tears and yes my heart still hurts...but I don't let it break me. I can not be broken. I will not be broken.

The explanation is quite simple really. It's like I had been walking so long in the rain, that I had forgotten what the sun felt like. Now I'm remembering, now I'm feeling it again. Every day gets easier, breath by breath.

"Real men care about the size of your heart, not the size of your jeans."

This quote is so true.  If a boy will put you down and say he can't be with you because you're not as skinny as Barbie, then he doesn't deserve you.  Mature people who are ready for relationships realize that looks are not what makes a relationship last.  What makes a relationship last are the two people's personalities.  You can have a thin, absolutely gorgeous girl who is catty, bitchy, and will make your life a living hell.  Will you really look over those characterisitics just because she's beautiful? No, you won't...so why would you ignore a sweet, loving girl just because she's not a size 0?

Outpouring of emotions

Why can't you understand how much I love you? You could never find a girl who loves and cares about you more than I do.  I can be perfect for you...but I never get a chance.  Second choice, second best: you think I would be used to it by now.  Every song pierces my heart because it reminds me of what we had, what I feel now or what I want to happen.  My heart can't keep up with the constant barrage of feelings and hurt. It's so banged up and bruised that I don't know how it has survived.  I love you...but it's never enough.  You don't want to be with someone you know wants to be with you. You like the chase.  One day, you're going to get tired of chasing those unattainable girls who aren't worth it anyways. You're going to want me...but I don't know if I'll even be there for you anymore.  There's only so much a girl can take before she hits the breaking point...I think I'm there right now.  The next few weeks will decide where we stand. Baby I love you and want to be with you but I can't stand the indecision and heartbreak.

College Lessons: Friends

When you graduate from high school, you promise everyone that you will still be friends and nothing will change. What you don't realize is this is an almost impossible feat, especially if you're going off to college.  College changes you in so many ways that you begin to drift apart from your old friends.  The only friendships that have a chance of lasting are the true, deep friendships. The ones that can survive anything because the two of you truly get each other.
College also brings the opportunity to make new friends.  I never dreamed that I would find people here that would be my best friends...but I did. I've bonded with people in ways I didn't think possible with anyone but my two best friends from home. It just goes to show that you never know what will happen when you keep an open mind and just be friendly to everyone.  These girls here have already proven to me that they are true friends and will always be there for me if I need them.
Here's to true friends, because what would we do without them?