College Lessons: Alone

            There are a lot of things that you learn during your college years. Other than the lessons that you learn in the classroom to obtain a GPA, there are several key lessons that help you throughout your life.

            One of the most important things I learned was how to be by myself. I know this sounds really simple, but it’s one of the most difficult lessons to learn. It’s easy to be happy when you’re surrounded by your friends or you’re with your significant other. Sometimes the most difficult thing is to be happy when you’re all alone.

            I've never been the kind of girl who always had to have a boyfriend. That’s just not my personality. The one thing I've always relied on, however, are my friends. This reliance is tested during your college years. You learn who your true pre-college friends are because they will always be there for you even if you’re separated by hundreds of miles.

            Those friends that you meet in college are easy to bond with and hang out with while you’re right down the hall or the street from each other. However, once winter or summer break hits, the two of you can be states apart.

            If, like me, you don’t really have any friends in your hometown after a year of college, you've hit a dead end. You can’t very well take road trips every week to be with your friends, and sometimes phone calls just can’t cut it. Thankfully, I've learned how to not go completely crazy while I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere at least three hours away from my best friends.

            If you get cabin fever by being all by yourself, find a new television show to watch. Nothing distracts you better than getting sucked into someone else’s dramatic life. Currently, I’m obsessed with Gossip Girl and it’s getting me through this winter break.

            Start a new hobby. Write, paint, craft…whatever floats your boat. Do something that you’re passionate about. After all, you have no schoolwork to worry about and you have all the free time in the world.

            Also, you can do what I do…I work as many hours as I possibly can. Not only does this mean that I’ll have more money to go to movies or buy amazing $5 DVDs at Wal-Mart, but it also means that I don’t just sit at home every single day with nothing to do.

            Don’t just dig yourself a hole for the next few weeks until you get back to your college campus. Call, text, or get in contact with your friends somehow. Being a social recluse isn't beneficial. 

You Know You Love Her...

            Lately, I've been addicted to Gossip Girl, one of The CW’s hit TV shows. As of right now, I’m only on season 5 and, although I know the last episode of the series is premiering tonight, it will probably remain one of my favorite shows.

            Out of all of the Upper East Side’s residents, Blair Waldorf has steadily become my favorite person. In the beginning, I didn't like her at all. She seemed like a snobby, conniving girl. Over the seasons, more of her true character has been revealed and has made me relate to her.

            Blair’s killer fashion sense and perfectly-groomed brown hair set her apart as the queen bee of the UES. In complete contrast to Serena, Blair doesn't rely on her status and mother’s connections. She has always striven to excel academically and find her own place in this world. This endears her to me since I have always worked hard to achieve all of my goals and succeed academically.      

            Blair will do anything to protect her friends and is extremely loyal to those she cares the most about. One of her best qualities is that she never gives up on the people that she loves. This is proven by her relationship with Chuck Bass, one of Gossip Girl’s best romances in my opinion. No matter what fate throws at them, Blair never gives up on Chuck.

            She’s scared to let her vulnerability show, but when she does, you get to see the complete Blair Waldorf, flaws and all. One of those flaws is her overreaching sense of insecurity. I've dealt with some of the same insecurities, so I can relate to her.

            Her scheming is one of her worst, yet best, characteristics. The best drama and intriguing plot twists can sometimes arise from a classic Waldorf scheme. Her schemes and lies are balanced by her overall good, caring nature.

            Leighton Meester was the perfect choice of actress to play Blair Waldorf. Honestly, I can’t imagine anyone else in her place. Her portrayal of Blair made me love Blair even more because she captures her essence perfectly.

            

The Glass

The bottle sat there, tall
and stable glass soldier.
It did not beckon, or
coax or call out to drink.
He hefted it up, swigging
a mouthful. Burning fire, sweet
relief. She had a glass full
of sweet juice. Daintily she poured
one shot full in. Swirling and mixing,
she sipped. He reached for the double
shot glass. She reached for him.
Carefully she filled the shot glass.
Eyes on him, she lifted it high
And threw it back, never blinking once.

Letter to Him

Dear You,
This is my letter to you that I know you'll never read or probably see, even though the entire Internet can peruse it at their leisure. But I have to write it.
I loved you. Let me get that straight. Loved. As in the past tense. No matter what pretty words you say or how many pretty pictures you paint, I can never forget that with that love came so much pain and tears. I cried my heart out over you at least once a month.
And yes, it's true, at times we were friends. It was only because I thought that maybe  just maybe, I could change you or you would realize that I was the perfect girl for you. That never happened. You made it seem like it was going to happen, but you just broke my hopes.
I'm not that girl anymore. You know this, I know that you do. I can't be her anymore; I'm way too strong now and I love myself far too much. I need someone who is going to be good for me and you just have too many bad memories and hurts attached to you.
I can't talk to you without all of those old wounds opening back up. I don't want to let myself get close to you again. I think Taylor Swift said it best on her new album:
"And you call me up again just to break me like a promise." -All Too Well
"I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye." -I Almost Do
"So he calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you,' and I'm like...I just...I mean this is exhausting you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like, ever." -We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I can't do this. And the fact that you insulted my very best friend, who loves me no matter what and is always there for me, just proved that we could never be together.

Me

Discovering Truths

I'm not that girl anymore. The one who was always so scared and got so nervous and worked up over every little thing. The one who was so scared of losing the people she cared about the most. The one who didn't realize that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. She never understood what true friendship really was. I've realized that life is life and shit happens. The people who left me? They weren't good enough for me. They hurt me or lied to me. The people I walked away from? I realized that they were only bringing me down and weren't truly interested in who I was becoming. I was changing and finding out who I truly am; honestly, that scared them. They needed the scared, nervous, lonely little girl who put up with so much crap just because she was scared of being lonely. Without them, I'm flying. 

I over-thought and over-analyzed every little conversation, gesture, and silence. That is possibly the most destructive thing you could ever do to yourself. Other people don't get a chance to hurt you because you've already cut yourself to the core. Don't do it. I know the urge is really strong at times, but you don't know everything. Don't inflict those scars on yourself. You have to learn to love yourself and realize that the right people will love you too. If they don't and if they leave you or hurt you, then clearly they are not the right people and you honestly don't need them. It took me nineteen long years to come to that conclusion. I cried so many tears and beat myself up so badly. Why couldn't I keep friends? Well, duh Kristen. They weren't the right ones. 

Don't take this the wrong way. My life is far from perfect. Or maybe it's my kind of perfect. Right now, I'm pretty damn happy, and I honestly can't imagine things being any different than they are. I took a rough and rocky road to get to this place, but the scars and bruises were well-worth this view.

Transformation

This is my first attempt at a pantoum, so don't judge too harshly.

She runs out of the house,
Smiling and waving.
Little princess with her dolls
Twirling in her long pink dress.

Smiling and waving,
she steals everyone's attention
Twirling in her long pink dress
Prom queen, beauty queen

She steals everyone's attention
Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Prom queen, beauty queen
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair

Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Little princess with her dolls
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair
She runs out of the house

Photographs

I was scrolling through my old profile pictures on Facebook, and I just stopped once I reached a certain point. Did I really dress like that? Did I actually think that was cute? I'm not going to lie, I didn't have the greatest influences where style was concerned back then. Some of the clothes I wore I just shake my head at now. Basically, in my best friend's words, I looked like a hoe. I laughed and said "No I didn't!!" But now, actually looking at those photos, I realize I did. I was trying to make my profile picture so cute and pretty to catch guys' attention. Like who does that? Was I really that desperate for attention? Did I really measure my self-worth on "likes"? I roll my eyes at seventeen-year-old me. She was such an idiot. Letting certain people do your makeup? No, honey. I looked nothing like myself. Hands on your hips? Please, don't. And oh lord, the horrible duckface. No. No. No. I'm a little ashamed of myself for doing that mess. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent photos I took back then and some decent clothes. Overall though, I wouldn't repeat that phase of my life for all the gold in the land.