Letter to Him

Dear You,
This is my letter to you that I know you'll never read or probably see, even though the entire Internet can peruse it at their leisure. But I have to write it.
I loved you. Let me get that straight. Loved. As in the past tense. No matter what pretty words you say or how many pretty pictures you paint, I can never forget that with that love came so much pain and tears. I cried my heart out over you at least once a month.
And yes, it's true, at times we were friends. It was only because I thought that maybe  just maybe, I could change you or you would realize that I was the perfect girl for you. That never happened. You made it seem like it was going to happen, but you just broke my hopes.
I'm not that girl anymore. You know this, I know that you do. I can't be her anymore; I'm way too strong now and I love myself far too much. I need someone who is going to be good for me and you just have too many bad memories and hurts attached to you.
I can't talk to you without all of those old wounds opening back up. I don't want to let myself get close to you again. I think Taylor Swift said it best on her new album:
"And you call me up again just to break me like a promise." -All Too Well
"I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye." -I Almost Do
"So he calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you,' and I'm like...I just...I mean this is exhausting you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like, ever." -We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I can't do this. And the fact that you insulted my very best friend, who loves me no matter what and is always there for me, just proved that we could never be together.

Me

Discovering Truths

I'm not that girl anymore. The one who was always so scared and got so nervous and worked up over every little thing. The one who was so scared of losing the people she cared about the most. The one who didn't realize that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. She never understood what true friendship really was. I've realized that life is life and shit happens. The people who left me? They weren't good enough for me. They hurt me or lied to me. The people I walked away from? I realized that they were only bringing me down and weren't truly interested in who I was becoming. I was changing and finding out who I truly am; honestly, that scared them. They needed the scared, nervous, lonely little girl who put up with so much crap just because she was scared of being lonely. Without them, I'm flying. 

I over-thought and over-analyzed every little conversation, gesture, and silence. That is possibly the most destructive thing you could ever do to yourself. Other people don't get a chance to hurt you because you've already cut yourself to the core. Don't do it. I know the urge is really strong at times, but you don't know everything. Don't inflict those scars on yourself. You have to learn to love yourself and realize that the right people will love you too. If they don't and if they leave you or hurt you, then clearly they are not the right people and you honestly don't need them. It took me nineteen long years to come to that conclusion. I cried so many tears and beat myself up so badly. Why couldn't I keep friends? Well, duh Kristen. They weren't the right ones. 

Don't take this the wrong way. My life is far from perfect. Or maybe it's my kind of perfect. Right now, I'm pretty damn happy, and I honestly can't imagine things being any different than they are. I took a rough and rocky road to get to this place, but the scars and bruises were well-worth this view.

Transformation

This is my first attempt at a pantoum, so don't judge too harshly.

She runs out of the house,
Smiling and waving.
Little princess with her dolls
Twirling in her long pink dress.

Smiling and waving,
she steals everyone's attention
Twirling in her long pink dress
Prom queen, beauty queen

She steals everyone's attention
Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Prom queen, beauty queen
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair

Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Little princess with her dolls
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair
She runs out of the house

Photographs

I was scrolling through my old profile pictures on Facebook, and I just stopped once I reached a certain point. Did I really dress like that? Did I actually think that was cute? I'm not going to lie, I didn't have the greatest influences where style was concerned back then. Some of the clothes I wore I just shake my head at now. Basically, in my best friend's words, I looked like a hoe. I laughed and said "No I didn't!!" But now, actually looking at those photos, I realize I did. I was trying to make my profile picture so cute and pretty to catch guys' attention. Like who does that? Was I really that desperate for attention? Did I really measure my self-worth on "likes"? I roll my eyes at seventeen-year-old me. She was such an idiot. Letting certain people do your makeup? No, honey. I looked nothing like myself. Hands on your hips? Please, don't. And oh lord, the horrible duckface. No. No. No. I'm a little ashamed of myself for doing that mess. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent photos I took back then and some decent clothes. Overall though, I wouldn't repeat that phase of my life for all the gold in the land.

Confession Time: Harry Potter Edition

Okay, it's time for me to confess something. I have let Harry Potter take over my life the past week. It started out innocently enough. I remembered a really good Harry Potter fan-fiction story that I read this summer and wanted to find it again. While on harrypotterfanfiction.com (which has some great stories, by the way), I got distracted and began reading other works of fan-fiction  I never found the story I was looking for, now that I think of it. I forgot about schoolwork and spent hours reading different stories, mainly ones that took place after the series. I hated the ones that tried to mess with J.K.'s world.
Then I began thinking, I want to watch all the Harry Potter movies. But, alas, I don't have them all on DVD. So I ordered the first two movies on DVD from Amazon.
Then I went to the library and checked the first three books out and read over half of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in a day.
I searched Harry Potter on imgfave.com and went through fifty pages of Harry Potter images while simultaneously browsing etsy.com for Harry Potter jewelry.

I'm obsessed. I think I need help.

Random thought processes during a class

I just love typing in pretty cursive writing. It’s generally because I’m bored. Am I really writing all of this during my Comm class? Shouldn’t I be listening to my professor? Eh, it doesn’t matter. We’re just discussing interviews. Oh no, there’s a silence…never mind, he’s not asking a question. I guess we all screwed up our interviews. What can you expect since we’re not professionals? We’re still learning. Did someone really not know who the chancellor was? I still don’t know what he does though. Of course no one knows anybody except the football coach…the other people are faceless authorities. I don’t know what over half of them do. I’ve learned that I always need to ask people how to spell their name or I’m screwed. Student fees for textbooks are ridiculous because everyone’s books are completely different prices. Science textbooks are outrageous prices while my Comm and English textbooks are relatively cheap. Plus, I don’t buy them from the bookstore if I can get them from Amazon. I’d rather pay twenty dollars instead of fifty dollars. Common sense, people? I think I’m going to blog this…my random thought processes during classes. Sounds about right! People spell their names in various weird ways. I don’t know if I like this class as much as my other ones. My mind just won’t stick to what he’s saying. Now we’re talking about tuition increases. I don’t mean to brag…but I don’t have to worry about that. I like interviewing normal people rather than people in authority because I can carry on a conversation with normal people better. I can connect with them…the human dimension. Screw numbers and trends.

Break-up. For good.

From the first time I heard it, I was obsessed with Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Besides the catchy tune, the lyrics really spoke to me, but what’s new with Taylor’s lyrics? I know I am not alone in saying that it sometimes feels as if Taylor ransacked my personal diary for song inspiration. She has always been able to really connect with people’s emotions.

“Then you come around again and say ‘Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me.’ Remember how that lasted for a day? I say, ‘I hate you,’ we break up, you call me, ‘I love you.’” I have gone through this scenario more times than I can count. I think the most difficult part is loving them and desperately hoping that they will, and can, change. You can try to change them or help them to change, but, more than likely, once you’ve gone through heartbreak with that person it will repeat continuously. If you can’t break the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, you will forever be stuck in that loop. It’s definitely a hard cycle to break, but worth it in the long run.

The bridge is my favorite part by far: “I used to think that we were forever ever and I used to say, ‘Never say never…’ Ugh, so he calls me up and he’s like, ‘I still love you,’ and I’m like…’ I just…I mean this is exhausting, you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like ever.’”  This was the exact situation I was in earlier. When you can refuse that person and tell them that you’re never getting back together, you are finally free.