Moving On

I remember how two years ago I would have lit up like a Christmas tree to get that text message from you. The bells would have started ringing, the music would have swelled and the heavenly choirs would start singing.

Don't get me wrong, I do like talking to you. The difference is I know that there won't be anything there anymore. I'm such a different person and I know you must have changed too, but I can't go back to that bright-eyed, innocent little high school girl who believed you when you said that you would love her forever, even though forever ended much too soon. I believed you through fights, heartbreaks and so many times when you promised me that we would be together only to discover that you were already talking to someone else.

I kept this hope of us being together alive for three years. Three long years where I basically decided that no one else was worth my time. What's the use in dating someone else when me and you were eventualy goign to be together after you grew up and realized that I was always there for you? I could kick myself now. I probably threw so many opportunities to the side because of you that I can't even bleieve it. I know that I would start getting interested in someone but as soon as you called or texted me, they were like nothing to me.

I can't do this anymore. I have to find something that's real, that's lasting, that works. I need to make myself happy without relying on you to eventually call me or text me. I can't spend my days constantly glancing at my phone to see if you want to talk to me. I'm moving on.

Activity

So lately I haven't really posted or written anything at all other than what I need to write for school. I know it's no excuse but my life has gotten so hectic lately. I'm trying to finish my degree in four years, while simultaneously working approximately 20 hours a week. I was driving myself crazy with stress until I realized, "Wait. This is my life. Why am I running toward this future goal without paying attention to what's happening around me right now? Do I want to look back and realize that I blindly rushed onward without appreciating those little moments?" Don't get me wrong, I try to make sure that I keep on top of all of my work and get everything done, but if it gets put off for a few hours, what's the harm?
That's part of the reason I decided to start writing again. Writing always gives me such enjoyment and I can relay my thoughts and feelings just to clean everything up and think things through or I can create these fantastic stories or moments that have nothing to do with my life, yet everything to do with it. I may post things that have nothing to do with my life at all, yet the process of writing and mentally living through it helps change me as a person and as a writer.
These are my selfish 20's and it's time to focus on me.

Blessings

Sometimes when you're listening to music, you don't really pay attention to the lyrics. I mean, they're just a part of the overall song, right? Recently though, I heard Laura Story's "Blessings," which I've heard plenty of times before, but this time it really spoke to me.

"What if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Whenever we're going through difficult times throughout our lives, we always get angry. "Why is this happening to me? Why can't I be happy?" You sit in the corner, sobbing, wondering what you did so wrong to deserve this when actually, this could be your blessing. Maybe you need that horrible thing to happen to you so that you can get on the path you're truly meant to be on. Maybe that person needs to hurt you that badly so you can realize you deserve more out of life than you previously thought.

The healing coming through tears part is one that I have always believed. Sometimes when I'm crying and people ask me why, I can't give them a reason why. Sometimes, I just need to cry and get everything out so I can feel okay again. There may not be a concrete reason for me to be upset or want to cry but I might have a hundred different things that happened over the past week that just built up until I couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes you just need to cry to be okay again.

"What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise"

My word

My roommate has a word tattoo. Now, this might not sound important but it made me start thinking. Her word tattoo is a word that sums up her life, which started me thinking, "What word would sum up who I am?" It's almost like a quest to discover who you are, which can be really scary. What if you don't like who you are?
After thinking about it a lot, I realized "love" sums up my life and who I am. No matter what, I have always made decisions based on love. Whether it's loving a person, place or idea, all of my thoughts and decisions revolve around love. I decided to go to ECU because I fell in love with the campus. I stayed in Greenville this summer to be near the place that I've been the happiest and to be with my best friend. I chose my major because I love to write.
Love is defined as:
-a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person
-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend
-sexual passion or desire
-a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

To me though, love is much more than that. It's a motivator, a place that I want to be. It's something that I strive toward and it's a goal I want to achieve. Love is everything.

Am I good enough?

Sometimes I wonder "What if I'm not good enough? What if I'll never be good enough?" That thought actually plagues me much more than I'll ever let on. I think that it runs through almost everyone's head at some point. What if I'm not good enough?

That's the thing though that we have got to realize: we are good enough. We are amazing. Some people might not see it. They might put you down and make you feel like you're worthless. But get this: you're not. 

I'm sure along the way I've hurt people and made them feel like they're not good enough. For that I am sorry. It's not that you weren't good enough for me; you just weren't right for me.

I think we confuse "Am I good enough?" with "Am I right for this?" too much. We put ourselves down when we should understand that we're not cut out for everything that we want to do or be. There's a reason you didn't get that job. Yeah, maybe it's in the city you loved but who knows your boss could have made your life miserable. There's a reason that the boy you loved broke your heart. I know you loved him so much but he didn't love you. You needed to be set free to find someone who loves you as much as you love them. 

Stop asking if you're good enough. Start asking is this where I'm meant to be and is this right for me. 

Baggage

Approximately a year and a half ago, I had my fortune told by a tarot card reader for fun as part of the Halloween festivities. Even though it wasn't serious, part of her reading has always stuck with me.

She said that I had a lot of emotional baggage because I don't deal with my emotions properly and just shove them under the surface. Eventually, I end up exploding due to this and I'll never be able to really start my life until I deal with all of that baggage.

This is so true.Sometimes I just put things out of my mind because I don't want to deal with them and they'll pop up out of nowhere a few months later. I"m hit with nauseating waves of sadness, anger, or hopelessness. Those three emotions are the main ones that I can't deal with properly.

When I explode, I beat myself up over things that happened so long ago or that aren't truly my fault. I've known this for a while but, like my emotions, I just threw it on the back burner because I have school and extracurricular activities to deal with right now. However for the first time, I realized tonight that I have to learn to deal with these emotions right now or I'll stay stuck in the same rut that I'm in currently.

I pride myself on being honest, which I am normally. The only time that I don't tell the whole truth is when my emotions are involved. To those who know me really well, I'm an open book. Except sometimes I am able to hide those emotions from them and they don't realize the motives behind my actions.

Honestly, I'm so scared all of the time. Little things overwhelm me and things that are no big deal make me tear up. I don't think even the people I care about the most realize how terrified I am. I've progressed a lot from where I was but I'm so far from truly being the person that I want to be.

Every day, I'm going to just let myself feel whatever I feel and fully explain what I feel and why. If I don't, I'm going to end up driving myself crazy.

You Let Go

What do you expect me to say? Do you expect me to forget everything that happened?

Well let's get one thing straight: I'm not that girl anymore.

You said it yourself: I've changed, and it's true. I can't allow people into my life who consistently, time after time, hurt me. You've changed too. You're not a person that I could see myself hanging out with and truly being myself around. I can't let you back into my life because I'm cultivating a new life that will make me happy. I"m surrounding myself with people that make me happy and who love me for me. They know that I'm not perfect and that my flaws are numerous. Guess what? They still love me anyway.
I have a best friend who knows me better than I even know myself. I can't lie to her or hide things from her because she always figures them out. I have a few new friends that are becoming my closest friends. They make me laugh even if all I want to do is cry.

Do you understand now? I can't let myself fall back into that spiral of drama and heartache and tears. I'm figuring out who I am, and I really like this person. Last time I checked, you didn't.

Just remember that if you start to miss me, you were the one who let me go.

Goodbye 2012

Two thousand and twelve. 

I learned so much throughout this year, and most of it wasn't in the classroom. 

~I found out who my true friends are, not because of the fun I have with them, but the way that they were there for me in a way that no one else ever had been. Friendship is one of the dearest things that you could ever have, and if you have a true friend, don't let them go. I've found someone that I'm almost positive will always be a part of my life, in one way or another. 

~Some things aren't meant to be. You can love someone with all of your heart, but that won't guarantee that the person will love you back. Some relationships just aren't meant to be and will only hurt you if you cling to them. Discovering that and taking the actions to cut that diseased relationship off was one of the hardest things that I did in 2012 but it was one of the best things for me and helped me find out who I'm supposed to be.

~Following the path that is right for you and doing what makes your heart happy is the only thing that matters. You can't live according to other people's rules, because while they will be pleased, you will never be happy or satisfied. This is why "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked has become one of my favorite songs. In it, Elphaba (The Wicked Witch of the West) is saying that she's having to trust her instincts because she has changed and cannot follow the rules of someone else's game, and she isn't accepting limits anymore. One part of this song relates back to what I said earlier: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost!" 

~Sometimes you just have to let things go. You might never forget what happened but you can't dwell on it and let it ruin your future. 

To me, a new year has always signified a fresh start, 365 clean pages added to my book. I think Gossip Girl said it best: "The New Year isn't about what's happened. It's about what's to come."

College Lessons: Alone

            There are a lot of things that you learn during your college years. Other than the lessons that you learn in the classroom to obtain a GPA, there are several key lessons that help you throughout your life.

            One of the most important things I learned was how to be by myself. I know this sounds really simple, but it’s one of the most difficult lessons to learn. It’s easy to be happy when you’re surrounded by your friends or you’re with your significant other. Sometimes the most difficult thing is to be happy when you’re all alone.

            I've never been the kind of girl who always had to have a boyfriend. That’s just not my personality. The one thing I've always relied on, however, are my friends. This reliance is tested during your college years. You learn who your true pre-college friends are because they will always be there for you even if you’re separated by hundreds of miles.

            Those friends that you meet in college are easy to bond with and hang out with while you’re right down the hall or the street from each other. However, once winter or summer break hits, the two of you can be states apart.

            If, like me, you don’t really have any friends in your hometown after a year of college, you've hit a dead end. You can’t very well take road trips every week to be with your friends, and sometimes phone calls just can’t cut it. Thankfully, I've learned how to not go completely crazy while I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere at least three hours away from my best friends.

            If you get cabin fever by being all by yourself, find a new television show to watch. Nothing distracts you better than getting sucked into someone else’s dramatic life. Currently, I’m obsessed with Gossip Girl and it’s getting me through this winter break.

            Start a new hobby. Write, paint, craft…whatever floats your boat. Do something that you’re passionate about. After all, you have no schoolwork to worry about and you have all the free time in the world.

            Also, you can do what I do…I work as many hours as I possibly can. Not only does this mean that I’ll have more money to go to movies or buy amazing $5 DVDs at Wal-Mart, but it also means that I don’t just sit at home every single day with nothing to do.

            Don’t just dig yourself a hole for the next few weeks until you get back to your college campus. Call, text, or get in contact with your friends somehow. Being a social recluse isn't beneficial. 

You Know You Love Her...

            Lately, I've been addicted to Gossip Girl, one of The CW’s hit TV shows. As of right now, I’m only on season 5 and, although I know the last episode of the series is premiering tonight, it will probably remain one of my favorite shows.

            Out of all of the Upper East Side’s residents, Blair Waldorf has steadily become my favorite person. In the beginning, I didn't like her at all. She seemed like a snobby, conniving girl. Over the seasons, more of her true character has been revealed and has made me relate to her.

            Blair’s killer fashion sense and perfectly-groomed brown hair set her apart as the queen bee of the UES. In complete contrast to Serena, Blair doesn't rely on her status and mother’s connections. She has always striven to excel academically and find her own place in this world. This endears her to me since I have always worked hard to achieve all of my goals and succeed academically.      

            Blair will do anything to protect her friends and is extremely loyal to those she cares the most about. One of her best qualities is that she never gives up on the people that she loves. This is proven by her relationship with Chuck Bass, one of Gossip Girl’s best romances in my opinion. No matter what fate throws at them, Blair never gives up on Chuck.

            She’s scared to let her vulnerability show, but when she does, you get to see the complete Blair Waldorf, flaws and all. One of those flaws is her overreaching sense of insecurity. I've dealt with some of the same insecurities, so I can relate to her.

            Her scheming is one of her worst, yet best, characteristics. The best drama and intriguing plot twists can sometimes arise from a classic Waldorf scheme. Her schemes and lies are balanced by her overall good, caring nature.

            Leighton Meester was the perfect choice of actress to play Blair Waldorf. Honestly, I can’t imagine anyone else in her place. Her portrayal of Blair made me love Blair even more because she captures her essence perfectly.

            

The Glass

The bottle sat there, tall
and stable glass soldier.
It did not beckon, or
coax or call out to drink.
He hefted it up, swigging
a mouthful. Burning fire, sweet
relief. She had a glass full
of sweet juice. Daintily she poured
one shot full in. Swirling and mixing,
she sipped. He reached for the double
shot glass. She reached for him.
Carefully she filled the shot glass.
Eyes on him, she lifted it high
And threw it back, never blinking once.

Letter to Him

Dear You,
This is my letter to you that I know you'll never read or probably see, even though the entire Internet can peruse it at their leisure. But I have to write it.
I loved you. Let me get that straight. Loved. As in the past tense. No matter what pretty words you say or how many pretty pictures you paint, I can never forget that with that love came so much pain and tears. I cried my heart out over you at least once a month.
And yes, it's true, at times we were friends. It was only because I thought that maybe  just maybe, I could change you or you would realize that I was the perfect girl for you. That never happened. You made it seem like it was going to happen, but you just broke my hopes.
I'm not that girl anymore. You know this, I know that you do. I can't be her anymore; I'm way too strong now and I love myself far too much. I need someone who is going to be good for me and you just have too many bad memories and hurts attached to you.
I can't talk to you without all of those old wounds opening back up. I don't want to let myself get close to you again. I think Taylor Swift said it best on her new album:
"And you call me up again just to break me like a promise." -All Too Well
"I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye." -I Almost Do
"So he calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you,' and I'm like...I just...I mean this is exhausting you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like, ever." -We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I can't do this. And the fact that you insulted my very best friend, who loves me no matter what and is always there for me, just proved that we could never be together.

Me

Discovering Truths

I'm not that girl anymore. The one who was always so scared and got so nervous and worked up over every little thing. The one who was so scared of losing the people she cared about the most. The one who didn't realize that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. She never understood what true friendship really was. I've realized that life is life and shit happens. The people who left me? They weren't good enough for me. They hurt me or lied to me. The people I walked away from? I realized that they were only bringing me down and weren't truly interested in who I was becoming. I was changing and finding out who I truly am; honestly, that scared them. They needed the scared, nervous, lonely little girl who put up with so much crap just because she was scared of being lonely. Without them, I'm flying. 

I over-thought and over-analyzed every little conversation, gesture, and silence. That is possibly the most destructive thing you could ever do to yourself. Other people don't get a chance to hurt you because you've already cut yourself to the core. Don't do it. I know the urge is really strong at times, but you don't know everything. Don't inflict those scars on yourself. You have to learn to love yourself and realize that the right people will love you too. If they don't and if they leave you or hurt you, then clearly they are not the right people and you honestly don't need them. It took me nineteen long years to come to that conclusion. I cried so many tears and beat myself up so badly. Why couldn't I keep friends? Well, duh Kristen. They weren't the right ones. 

Don't take this the wrong way. My life is far from perfect. Or maybe it's my kind of perfect. Right now, I'm pretty damn happy, and I honestly can't imagine things being any different than they are. I took a rough and rocky road to get to this place, but the scars and bruises were well-worth this view.

Transformation

This is my first attempt at a pantoum, so don't judge too harshly.

She runs out of the house,
Smiling and waving.
Little princess with her dolls
Twirling in her long pink dress.

Smiling and waving,
she steals everyone's attention
Twirling in her long pink dress
Prom queen, beauty queen

She steals everyone's attention
Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Prom queen, beauty queen
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair

Dirt and blood mingle on her face
Little princess with her dolls
Turned soldier with the long blonde hair
She runs out of the house

Photographs

I was scrolling through my old profile pictures on Facebook, and I just stopped once I reached a certain point. Did I really dress like that? Did I actually think that was cute? I'm not going to lie, I didn't have the greatest influences where style was concerned back then. Some of the clothes I wore I just shake my head at now. Basically, in my best friend's words, I looked like a hoe. I laughed and said "No I didn't!!" But now, actually looking at those photos, I realize I did. I was trying to make my profile picture so cute and pretty to catch guys' attention. Like who does that? Was I really that desperate for attention? Did I really measure my self-worth on "likes"? I roll my eyes at seventeen-year-old me. She was such an idiot. Letting certain people do your makeup? No, honey. I looked nothing like myself. Hands on your hips? Please, don't. And oh lord, the horrible duckface. No. No. No. I'm a little ashamed of myself for doing that mess. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent photos I took back then and some decent clothes. Overall though, I wouldn't repeat that phase of my life for all the gold in the land.

Confession Time: Harry Potter Edition

Okay, it's time for me to confess something. I have let Harry Potter take over my life the past week. It started out innocently enough. I remembered a really good Harry Potter fan-fiction story that I read this summer and wanted to find it again. While on harrypotterfanfiction.com (which has some great stories, by the way), I got distracted and began reading other works of fan-fiction  I never found the story I was looking for, now that I think of it. I forgot about schoolwork and spent hours reading different stories, mainly ones that took place after the series. I hated the ones that tried to mess with J.K.'s world.
Then I began thinking, I want to watch all the Harry Potter movies. But, alas, I don't have them all on DVD. So I ordered the first two movies on DVD from Amazon.
Then I went to the library and checked the first three books out and read over half of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in a day.
I searched Harry Potter on imgfave.com and went through fifty pages of Harry Potter images while simultaneously browsing etsy.com for Harry Potter jewelry.

I'm obsessed. I think I need help.

Random thought processes during a class

I just love typing in pretty cursive writing. It’s generally because I’m bored. Am I really writing all of this during my Comm class? Shouldn’t I be listening to my professor? Eh, it doesn’t matter. We’re just discussing interviews. Oh no, there’s a silence…never mind, he’s not asking a question. I guess we all screwed up our interviews. What can you expect since we’re not professionals? We’re still learning. Did someone really not know who the chancellor was? I still don’t know what he does though. Of course no one knows anybody except the football coach…the other people are faceless authorities. I don’t know what over half of them do. I’ve learned that I always need to ask people how to spell their name or I’m screwed. Student fees for textbooks are ridiculous because everyone’s books are completely different prices. Science textbooks are outrageous prices while my Comm and English textbooks are relatively cheap. Plus, I don’t buy them from the bookstore if I can get them from Amazon. I’d rather pay twenty dollars instead of fifty dollars. Common sense, people? I think I’m going to blog this…my random thought processes during classes. Sounds about right! People spell their names in various weird ways. I don’t know if I like this class as much as my other ones. My mind just won’t stick to what he’s saying. Now we’re talking about tuition increases. I don’t mean to brag…but I don’t have to worry about that. I like interviewing normal people rather than people in authority because I can carry on a conversation with normal people better. I can connect with them…the human dimension. Screw numbers and trends.

Break-up. For good.

From the first time I heard it, I was obsessed with Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Besides the catchy tune, the lyrics really spoke to me, but what’s new with Taylor’s lyrics? I know I am not alone in saying that it sometimes feels as if Taylor ransacked my personal diary for song inspiration. She has always been able to really connect with people’s emotions.

“Then you come around again and say ‘Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me.’ Remember how that lasted for a day? I say, ‘I hate you,’ we break up, you call me, ‘I love you.’” I have gone through this scenario more times than I can count. I think the most difficult part is loving them and desperately hoping that they will, and can, change. You can try to change them or help them to change, but, more than likely, once you’ve gone through heartbreak with that person it will repeat continuously. If you can’t break the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, you will forever be stuck in that loop. It’s definitely a hard cycle to break, but worth it in the long run.

The bridge is my favorite part by far: “I used to think that we were forever ever and I used to say, ‘Never say never…’ Ugh, so he calls me up and he’s like, ‘I still love you,’ and I’m like…’ I just…I mean this is exhausting, you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like ever.’”  This was the exact situation I was in earlier. When you can refuse that person and tell them that you’re never getting back together, you are finally free. 

One Thin Line

(Note: This poem is not about something that the author does. Don't think I need help.)

No dashed line visible
No inherent sign
But with a smooth silver motion
A vivid red line was exposed

A slight sting, a whispered sigh
Pain in momentarily present
But relief seeps in
As the red seeps out

Better than alcohol
And better than tears
Just hide the marks
And have no fear

Grown Up

The realization hits you one day,
You're a child no longer.
You depend on yourself,
And make your own decisions and mistakes.

When your heart gets broken,
You cry for awhile;
But then get back up and move on,
Not curse your fate and blame the world.

When bad luck strikes,
As it's prone to do,
You hold your head high
Not whine like a child.

When friends turn on you
And leave you alone in the dark,
You realize who your true friends are
Not scream and promise vengeance and revenge.

Bad things happen and can't be avoided,
But how you deal with it shows your maturity.
If you accept it and move on with your life,
You can know you have truly grown up.