My word

My roommate has a word tattoo. Now, this might not sound important but it made me start thinking. Her word tattoo is a word that sums up her life, which started me thinking, "What word would sum up who I am?" It's almost like a quest to discover who you are, which can be really scary. What if you don't like who you are?
After thinking about it a lot, I realized "love" sums up my life and who I am. No matter what, I have always made decisions based on love. Whether it's loving a person, place or idea, all of my thoughts and decisions revolve around love. I decided to go to ECU because I fell in love with the campus. I stayed in Greenville this summer to be near the place that I've been the happiest and to be with my best friend. I chose my major because I love to write.
Love is defined as:
-a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person
-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend
-sexual passion or desire
-a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

To me though, love is much more than that. It's a motivator, a place that I want to be. It's something that I strive toward and it's a goal I want to achieve. Love is everything.

Am I good enough?

Sometimes I wonder "What if I'm not good enough? What if I'll never be good enough?" That thought actually plagues me much more than I'll ever let on. I think that it runs through almost everyone's head at some point. What if I'm not good enough?

That's the thing though that we have got to realize: we are good enough. We are amazing. Some people might not see it. They might put you down and make you feel like you're worthless. But get this: you're not. 

I'm sure along the way I've hurt people and made them feel like they're not good enough. For that I am sorry. It's not that you weren't good enough for me; you just weren't right for me.

I think we confuse "Am I good enough?" with "Am I right for this?" too much. We put ourselves down when we should understand that we're not cut out for everything that we want to do or be. There's a reason you didn't get that job. Yeah, maybe it's in the city you loved but who knows your boss could have made your life miserable. There's a reason that the boy you loved broke your heart. I know you loved him so much but he didn't love you. You needed to be set free to find someone who loves you as much as you love them. 

Stop asking if you're good enough. Start asking is this where I'm meant to be and is this right for me. 

Baggage

Approximately a year and a half ago, I had my fortune told by a tarot card reader for fun as part of the Halloween festivities. Even though it wasn't serious, part of her reading has always stuck with me.

She said that I had a lot of emotional baggage because I don't deal with my emotions properly and just shove them under the surface. Eventually, I end up exploding due to this and I'll never be able to really start my life until I deal with all of that baggage.

This is so true.Sometimes I just put things out of my mind because I don't want to deal with them and they'll pop up out of nowhere a few months later. I"m hit with nauseating waves of sadness, anger, or hopelessness. Those three emotions are the main ones that I can't deal with properly.

When I explode, I beat myself up over things that happened so long ago or that aren't truly my fault. I've known this for a while but, like my emotions, I just threw it on the back burner because I have school and extracurricular activities to deal with right now. However for the first time, I realized tonight that I have to learn to deal with these emotions right now or I'll stay stuck in the same rut that I'm in currently.

I pride myself on being honest, which I am normally. The only time that I don't tell the whole truth is when my emotions are involved. To those who know me really well, I'm an open book. Except sometimes I am able to hide those emotions from them and they don't realize the motives behind my actions.

Honestly, I'm so scared all of the time. Little things overwhelm me and things that are no big deal make me tear up. I don't think even the people I care about the most realize how terrified I am. I've progressed a lot from where I was but I'm so far from truly being the person that I want to be.

Every day, I'm going to just let myself feel whatever I feel and fully explain what I feel and why. If I don't, I'm going to end up driving myself crazy.

You Let Go

What do you expect me to say? Do you expect me to forget everything that happened?

Well let's get one thing straight: I'm not that girl anymore.

You said it yourself: I've changed, and it's true. I can't allow people into my life who consistently, time after time, hurt me. You've changed too. You're not a person that I could see myself hanging out with and truly being myself around. I can't let you back into my life because I'm cultivating a new life that will make me happy. I"m surrounding myself with people that make me happy and who love me for me. They know that I'm not perfect and that my flaws are numerous. Guess what? They still love me anyway.
I have a best friend who knows me better than I even know myself. I can't lie to her or hide things from her because she always figures them out. I have a few new friends that are becoming my closest friends. They make me laugh even if all I want to do is cry.

Do you understand now? I can't let myself fall back into that spiral of drama and heartache and tears. I'm figuring out who I am, and I really like this person. Last time I checked, you didn't.

Just remember that if you start to miss me, you were the one who let me go.

Goodbye 2012

Two thousand and twelve. 

I learned so much throughout this year, and most of it wasn't in the classroom. 

~I found out who my true friends are, not because of the fun I have with them, but the way that they were there for me in a way that no one else ever had been. Friendship is one of the dearest things that you could ever have, and if you have a true friend, don't let them go. I've found someone that I'm almost positive will always be a part of my life, in one way or another. 

~Some things aren't meant to be. You can love someone with all of your heart, but that won't guarantee that the person will love you back. Some relationships just aren't meant to be and will only hurt you if you cling to them. Discovering that and taking the actions to cut that diseased relationship off was one of the hardest things that I did in 2012 but it was one of the best things for me and helped me find out who I'm supposed to be.

~Following the path that is right for you and doing what makes your heart happy is the only thing that matters. You can't live according to other people's rules, because while they will be pleased, you will never be happy or satisfied. This is why "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked has become one of my favorite songs. In it, Elphaba (The Wicked Witch of the West) is saying that she's having to trust her instincts because she has changed and cannot follow the rules of someone else's game, and she isn't accepting limits anymore. One part of this song relates back to what I said earlier: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost!" 

~Sometimes you just have to let things go. You might never forget what happened but you can't dwell on it and let it ruin your future. 

To me, a new year has always signified a fresh start, 365 clean pages added to my book. I think Gossip Girl said it best: "The New Year isn't about what's happened. It's about what's to come."

College Lessons: Alone

            There are a lot of things that you learn during your college years. Other than the lessons that you learn in the classroom to obtain a GPA, there are several key lessons that help you throughout your life.

            One of the most important things I learned was how to be by myself. I know this sounds really simple, but it’s one of the most difficult lessons to learn. It’s easy to be happy when you’re surrounded by your friends or you’re with your significant other. Sometimes the most difficult thing is to be happy when you’re all alone.

            I've never been the kind of girl who always had to have a boyfriend. That’s just not my personality. The one thing I've always relied on, however, are my friends. This reliance is tested during your college years. You learn who your true pre-college friends are because they will always be there for you even if you’re separated by hundreds of miles.

            Those friends that you meet in college are easy to bond with and hang out with while you’re right down the hall or the street from each other. However, once winter or summer break hits, the two of you can be states apart.

            If, like me, you don’t really have any friends in your hometown after a year of college, you've hit a dead end. You can’t very well take road trips every week to be with your friends, and sometimes phone calls just can’t cut it. Thankfully, I've learned how to not go completely crazy while I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere at least three hours away from my best friends.

            If you get cabin fever by being all by yourself, find a new television show to watch. Nothing distracts you better than getting sucked into someone else’s dramatic life. Currently, I’m obsessed with Gossip Girl and it’s getting me through this winter break.

            Start a new hobby. Write, paint, craft…whatever floats your boat. Do something that you’re passionate about. After all, you have no schoolwork to worry about and you have all the free time in the world.

            Also, you can do what I do…I work as many hours as I possibly can. Not only does this mean that I’ll have more money to go to movies or buy amazing $5 DVDs at Wal-Mart, but it also means that I don’t just sit at home every single day with nothing to do.

            Don’t just dig yourself a hole for the next few weeks until you get back to your college campus. Call, text, or get in contact with your friends somehow. Being a social recluse isn't beneficial. 

You Know You Love Her...

            Lately, I've been addicted to Gossip Girl, one of The CW’s hit TV shows. As of right now, I’m only on season 5 and, although I know the last episode of the series is premiering tonight, it will probably remain one of my favorite shows.

            Out of all of the Upper East Side’s residents, Blair Waldorf has steadily become my favorite person. In the beginning, I didn't like her at all. She seemed like a snobby, conniving girl. Over the seasons, more of her true character has been revealed and has made me relate to her.

            Blair’s killer fashion sense and perfectly-groomed brown hair set her apart as the queen bee of the UES. In complete contrast to Serena, Blair doesn't rely on her status and mother’s connections. She has always striven to excel academically and find her own place in this world. This endears her to me since I have always worked hard to achieve all of my goals and succeed academically.      

            Blair will do anything to protect her friends and is extremely loyal to those she cares the most about. One of her best qualities is that she never gives up on the people that she loves. This is proven by her relationship with Chuck Bass, one of Gossip Girl’s best romances in my opinion. No matter what fate throws at them, Blair never gives up on Chuck.

            She’s scared to let her vulnerability show, but when she does, you get to see the complete Blair Waldorf, flaws and all. One of those flaws is her overreaching sense of insecurity. I've dealt with some of the same insecurities, so I can relate to her.

            Her scheming is one of her worst, yet best, characteristics. The best drama and intriguing plot twists can sometimes arise from a classic Waldorf scheme. Her schemes and lies are balanced by her overall good, caring nature.

            Leighton Meester was the perfect choice of actress to play Blair Waldorf. Honestly, I can’t imagine anyone else in her place. Her portrayal of Blair made me love Blair even more because she captures her essence perfectly.