Photographs

I was scrolling through my old profile pictures on Facebook, and I just stopped once I reached a certain point. Did I really dress like that? Did I actually think that was cute? I'm not going to lie, I didn't have the greatest influences where style was concerned back then. Some of the clothes I wore I just shake my head at now. Basically, in my best friend's words, I looked like a hoe. I laughed and said "No I didn't!!" But now, actually looking at those photos, I realize I did. I was trying to make my profile picture so cute and pretty to catch guys' attention. Like who does that? Was I really that desperate for attention? Did I really measure my self-worth on "likes"? I roll my eyes at seventeen-year-old me. She was such an idiot. Letting certain people do your makeup? No, honey. I looked nothing like myself. Hands on your hips? Please, don't. And oh lord, the horrible duckface. No. No. No. I'm a little ashamed of myself for doing that mess. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent photos I took back then and some decent clothes. Overall though, I wouldn't repeat that phase of my life for all the gold in the land.

Confession Time: Harry Potter Edition

Okay, it's time for me to confess something. I have let Harry Potter take over my life the past week. It started out innocently enough. I remembered a really good Harry Potter fan-fiction story that I read this summer and wanted to find it again. While on harrypotterfanfiction.com (which has some great stories, by the way), I got distracted and began reading other works of fan-fiction  I never found the story I was looking for, now that I think of it. I forgot about schoolwork and spent hours reading different stories, mainly ones that took place after the series. I hated the ones that tried to mess with J.K.'s world.
Then I began thinking, I want to watch all the Harry Potter movies. But, alas, I don't have them all on DVD. So I ordered the first two movies on DVD from Amazon.
Then I went to the library and checked the first three books out and read over half of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in a day.
I searched Harry Potter on imgfave.com and went through fifty pages of Harry Potter images while simultaneously browsing etsy.com for Harry Potter jewelry.

I'm obsessed. I think I need help.

Random thought processes during a class

I just love typing in pretty cursive writing. It’s generally because I’m bored. Am I really writing all of this during my Comm class? Shouldn’t I be listening to my professor? Eh, it doesn’t matter. We’re just discussing interviews. Oh no, there’s a silence…never mind, he’s not asking a question. I guess we all screwed up our interviews. What can you expect since we’re not professionals? We’re still learning. Did someone really not know who the chancellor was? I still don’t know what he does though. Of course no one knows anybody except the football coach…the other people are faceless authorities. I don’t know what over half of them do. I’ve learned that I always need to ask people how to spell their name or I’m screwed. Student fees for textbooks are ridiculous because everyone’s books are completely different prices. Science textbooks are outrageous prices while my Comm and English textbooks are relatively cheap. Plus, I don’t buy them from the bookstore if I can get them from Amazon. I’d rather pay twenty dollars instead of fifty dollars. Common sense, people? I think I’m going to blog this…my random thought processes during classes. Sounds about right! People spell their names in various weird ways. I don’t know if I like this class as much as my other ones. My mind just won’t stick to what he’s saying. Now we’re talking about tuition increases. I don’t mean to brag…but I don’t have to worry about that. I like interviewing normal people rather than people in authority because I can carry on a conversation with normal people better. I can connect with them…the human dimension. Screw numbers and trends.

Break-up. For good.

From the first time I heard it, I was obsessed with Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Besides the catchy tune, the lyrics really spoke to me, but what’s new with Taylor’s lyrics? I know I am not alone in saying that it sometimes feels as if Taylor ransacked my personal diary for song inspiration. She has always been able to really connect with people’s emotions.

“Then you come around again and say ‘Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me.’ Remember how that lasted for a day? I say, ‘I hate you,’ we break up, you call me, ‘I love you.’” I have gone through this scenario more times than I can count. I think the most difficult part is loving them and desperately hoping that they will, and can, change. You can try to change them or help them to change, but, more than likely, once you’ve gone through heartbreak with that person it will repeat continuously. If you can’t break the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, you will forever be stuck in that loop. It’s definitely a hard cycle to break, but worth it in the long run.

The bridge is my favorite part by far: “I used to think that we were forever ever and I used to say, ‘Never say never…’ Ugh, so he calls me up and he’s like, ‘I still love you,’ and I’m like…’ I just…I mean this is exhausting, you know? Like we are never getting back together. Like ever.’”  This was the exact situation I was in earlier. When you can refuse that person and tell them that you’re never getting back together, you are finally free. 

One Thin Line

(Note: This poem is not about something that the author does. Don't think I need help.)

No dashed line visible
No inherent sign
But with a smooth silver motion
A vivid red line was exposed

A slight sting, a whispered sigh
Pain in momentarily present
But relief seeps in
As the red seeps out

Better than alcohol
And better than tears
Just hide the marks
And have no fear

Grown Up

The realization hits you one day,
You're a child no longer.
You depend on yourself,
And make your own decisions and mistakes.

When your heart gets broken,
You cry for awhile;
But then get back up and move on,
Not curse your fate and blame the world.

When bad luck strikes,
As it's prone to do,
You hold your head high
Not whine like a child.

When friends turn on you
And leave you alone in the dark,
You realize who your true friends are
Not scream and promise vengeance and revenge.

Bad things happen and can't be avoided,
But how you deal with it shows your maturity.
If you accept it and move on with your life,
You can know you have truly grown up.

Renewal and Change and Moving On

Lately, I've been listening to certain songs because they hold a lot of meaning for me. Of course, these songs are a mix of different musical genres and artists because my tastes are varied, but they have a common theme: renewal and moving on. This past year has held a lot of changes for me and these songs help me to deal.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over, but had me believing it was always something that I'd done. But I don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say." Gotye and Kimbra clearly sing "Somebody That I Used To Know" about a previous boyfriend or girlfriend. It does work that way, but it also works for any previous relationship. This song symbolizes for me, finding out that you can't live your life totally dependent on someone else's moods and feelings. If that person makes you feel like every bad thing that happens between the two of you is your fault, then you don't need them in your life. I found out that I can't live my life treading carefully around people.

"Even if I try to push you out, will you return? And remind me who I really am? Please remind me who I really am. Everybody's got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's picture perfect but we're worth it; you know that we're worth it. Will you love me, even with my dark side?" This song is one of the reasons Kelly Clarkson is still my favorite singer. She captures exactly how I'm feeling with her lyrics. Of course I always knew that I wasn't perfect, because no one is, but this expresses my fear. I'm so scared that someone is going to see the bad parts of who I am, my dark side so to speak, and they won't be able to deal with it. They won't be able to love my dark side and they'll leave. Finding people who remind me of the person that I truly am is a blessing. Those are the people who know your dark side and don't judge you or run away. Love these people.

"You chewed me up and spit me out like I was poison in your mouth. You took my light, you drained me down, but that was then and this is now." "This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no. Throw your sticks and stones, throw your bombs and your blows, but you're not gonna break my soul." "Now look at me I'm sparkling; a firework, a dancing flame. You won't ever put me out again." I can't even remember where I first heard this song, but I'm so glad I did. Katy Perry sang exactly what I'm feeling. I have had so many people screw me over and break me, but that was all in my past. No one is ever going to be able to break my soul, no matter what they do to me. I'm life and light, and they can't destroy me.  I am unconquerable.