Moving On

I remember how two years ago I would have lit up like a Christmas tree to get that text message from you. The bells would have started ringing, the music would have swelled and the heavenly choirs would start singing.

Don't get me wrong, I do like talking to you. The difference is I know that there won't be anything there anymore. I'm such a different person and I know you must have changed too, but I can't go back to that bright-eyed, innocent little high school girl who believed you when you said that you would love her forever, even though forever ended much too soon. I believed you through fights, heartbreaks and so many times when you promised me that we would be together only to discover that you were already talking to someone else.

I kept this hope of us being together alive for three years. Three long years where I basically decided that no one else was worth my time. What's the use in dating someone else when me and you were eventualy goign to be together after you grew up and realized that I was always there for you? I could kick myself now. I probably threw so many opportunities to the side because of you that I can't even bleieve it. I know that I would start getting interested in someone but as soon as you called or texted me, they were like nothing to me.

I can't do this anymore. I have to find something that's real, that's lasting, that works. I need to make myself happy without relying on you to eventually call me or text me. I can't spend my days constantly glancing at my phone to see if you want to talk to me. I'm moving on.

Activity

So lately I haven't really posted or written anything at all other than what I need to write for school. I know it's no excuse but my life has gotten so hectic lately. I'm trying to finish my degree in four years, while simultaneously working approximately 20 hours a week. I was driving myself crazy with stress until I realized, "Wait. This is my life. Why am I running toward this future goal without paying attention to what's happening around me right now? Do I want to look back and realize that I blindly rushed onward without appreciating those little moments?" Don't get me wrong, I try to make sure that I keep on top of all of my work and get everything done, but if it gets put off for a few hours, what's the harm?
That's part of the reason I decided to start writing again. Writing always gives me such enjoyment and I can relay my thoughts and feelings just to clean everything up and think things through or I can create these fantastic stories or moments that have nothing to do with my life, yet everything to do with it. I may post things that have nothing to do with my life at all, yet the process of writing and mentally living through it helps change me as a person and as a writer.
These are my selfish 20's and it's time to focus on me.

Blessings

Sometimes when you're listening to music, you don't really pay attention to the lyrics. I mean, they're just a part of the overall song, right? Recently though, I heard Laura Story's "Blessings," which I've heard plenty of times before, but this time it really spoke to me.

"What if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Whenever we're going through difficult times throughout our lives, we always get angry. "Why is this happening to me? Why can't I be happy?" You sit in the corner, sobbing, wondering what you did so wrong to deserve this when actually, this could be your blessing. Maybe you need that horrible thing to happen to you so that you can get on the path you're truly meant to be on. Maybe that person needs to hurt you that badly so you can realize you deserve more out of life than you previously thought.

The healing coming through tears part is one that I have always believed. Sometimes when I'm crying and people ask me why, I can't give them a reason why. Sometimes, I just need to cry and get everything out so I can feel okay again. There may not be a concrete reason for me to be upset or want to cry but I might have a hundred different things that happened over the past week that just built up until I couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes you just need to cry to be okay again.

"What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise"

My word

My roommate has a word tattoo. Now, this might not sound important but it made me start thinking. Her word tattoo is a word that sums up her life, which started me thinking, "What word would sum up who I am?" It's almost like a quest to discover who you are, which can be really scary. What if you don't like who you are?
After thinking about it a lot, I realized "love" sums up my life and who I am. No matter what, I have always made decisions based on love. Whether it's loving a person, place or idea, all of my thoughts and decisions revolve around love. I decided to go to ECU because I fell in love with the campus. I stayed in Greenville this summer to be near the place that I've been the happiest and to be with my best friend. I chose my major because I love to write.
Love is defined as:
-a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person
-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend
-sexual passion or desire
-a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

To me though, love is much more than that. It's a motivator, a place that I want to be. It's something that I strive toward and it's a goal I want to achieve. Love is everything.

Am I good enough?

Sometimes I wonder "What if I'm not good enough? What if I'll never be good enough?" That thought actually plagues me much more than I'll ever let on. I think that it runs through almost everyone's head at some point. What if I'm not good enough?

That's the thing though that we have got to realize: we are good enough. We are amazing. Some people might not see it. They might put you down and make you feel like you're worthless. But get this: you're not. 

I'm sure along the way I've hurt people and made them feel like they're not good enough. For that I am sorry. It's not that you weren't good enough for me; you just weren't right for me.

I think we confuse "Am I good enough?" with "Am I right for this?" too much. We put ourselves down when we should understand that we're not cut out for everything that we want to do or be. There's a reason you didn't get that job. Yeah, maybe it's in the city you loved but who knows your boss could have made your life miserable. There's a reason that the boy you loved broke your heart. I know you loved him so much but he didn't love you. You needed to be set free to find someone who loves you as much as you love them. 

Stop asking if you're good enough. Start asking is this where I'm meant to be and is this right for me. 

Baggage

Approximately a year and a half ago, I had my fortune told by a tarot card reader for fun as part of the Halloween festivities. Even though it wasn't serious, part of her reading has always stuck with me.

She said that I had a lot of emotional baggage because I don't deal with my emotions properly and just shove them under the surface. Eventually, I end up exploding due to this and I'll never be able to really start my life until I deal with all of that baggage.

This is so true.Sometimes I just put things out of my mind because I don't want to deal with them and they'll pop up out of nowhere a few months later. I"m hit with nauseating waves of sadness, anger, or hopelessness. Those three emotions are the main ones that I can't deal with properly.

When I explode, I beat myself up over things that happened so long ago or that aren't truly my fault. I've known this for a while but, like my emotions, I just threw it on the back burner because I have school and extracurricular activities to deal with right now. However for the first time, I realized tonight that I have to learn to deal with these emotions right now or I'll stay stuck in the same rut that I'm in currently.

I pride myself on being honest, which I am normally. The only time that I don't tell the whole truth is when my emotions are involved. To those who know me really well, I'm an open book. Except sometimes I am able to hide those emotions from them and they don't realize the motives behind my actions.

Honestly, I'm so scared all of the time. Little things overwhelm me and things that are no big deal make me tear up. I don't think even the people I care about the most realize how terrified I am. I've progressed a lot from where I was but I'm so far from truly being the person that I want to be.

Every day, I'm going to just let myself feel whatever I feel and fully explain what I feel and why. If I don't, I'm going to end up driving myself crazy.

You Let Go

What do you expect me to say? Do you expect me to forget everything that happened?

Well let's get one thing straight: I'm not that girl anymore.

You said it yourself: I've changed, and it's true. I can't allow people into my life who consistently, time after time, hurt me. You've changed too. You're not a person that I could see myself hanging out with and truly being myself around. I can't let you back into my life because I'm cultivating a new life that will make me happy. I"m surrounding myself with people that make me happy and who love me for me. They know that I'm not perfect and that my flaws are numerous. Guess what? They still love me anyway.
I have a best friend who knows me better than I even know myself. I can't lie to her or hide things from her because she always figures them out. I have a few new friends that are becoming my closest friends. They make me laugh even if all I want to do is cry.

Do you understand now? I can't let myself fall back into that spiral of drama and heartache and tears. I'm figuring out who I am, and I really like this person. Last time I checked, you didn't.

Just remember that if you start to miss me, you were the one who let me go.